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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25303114">love in the form of constellations</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/XENODEAH/pseuds/XENODEAH'>XENODEAH</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Criminal Minds (US TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Basically, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Late Night Conversations, M/M, Medium Burn, Planets, Sad Spencer Reid, Sad with a Happy Ending, Slow Burn, Spencer Reid Whump, Stars, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, deep thoughts, i guess, i’m gonna tag slow burn but it’s more medium, suicide ideation, they talk about the stars a lot, they talk it out and it ends up happy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 12:13:58</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>22,423</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25303114</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/XENODEAH/pseuds/XENODEAH</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>life without her is meaningless. it is an empty void in spencer’s chest, eating everything inside him until there is nothing left but the shell of who he once was. she gave him so much and he took it for granted, allowed himself to believe that they had all the time in the world.</p>
<p>he couldn’t have been more wrong. </p>
<p>to make up for the lost time, he goes to all the places he would’ve taken her, including the planetarium. it feels wrong without her, but he can’t bring himself to go back to work full-time.</p>
<p>the planetarium sets forth upon spencer a type of love that mankind can only find in the constellations.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Maeve Donovan &amp; Spencer Reid, Maeve Donovan/Spencer Reid, Spencer Reid &amp; Original Character(s), Spencer Reid &amp; The BAU Team, Spencer Reid/Original Male Character(s)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>77</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. perseus</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>why do i like writing him hurt, i promise i can write something nice and happy.. just not for him LMAO</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>it has been one month, three days, 14 hours, 25 minutes, and 37 seconds since she died. it feels like only one second has passed between the gunshot and him walking into his apartment. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>his apartment doesn’t feel like home. nothing feels like home, not like </span>
  <em>
    <span>she </span>
  </em>
  <span>did. she felt like everything good, and nice, and </span>
  <em>
    <span>kind</span>
  </em>
  <span> wrapped up in one person. she was the only person who really understood him. how is he ever going to find anything like that, ever again? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>he spends most days reliving their conversations on his bed, he’s never been more grateful for an eidetic memory than he is right now. it has its downsides, like how whenever he tries to remember the good things, he also remembers the last thing she felt. a bullet ripping through her skull. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>the last thing she saw was his face. he has spent days wondering if that was better than seeing diane’s face, ultimately deciding to not linger on the face of a murderer. the more he lingers, the more he loses himself.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>today has been one month, three days, 14 hours, 25 minutes, and 37 seconds since she died, and he is going to the planetarium. yesterday was a cafe that he had chosen because they had a library in the back, filled to the brim with some of their favorite books. he’s been doing this for the past week if only to get out of the house. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>he goes to all the places he would’ve gone with her. it feels wrong, at first. but then, when he gets home, he cries more than he has all month and his therapist tells him it’s an excellent sign when he goes to his next season. he must be doing something right. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>at this point, he is desperate to be right. he is clinging onto these places because they are reminders of what they could’ve been, had he just been right about something. don’t get him wrong, he has spent days wallowing in his own self-pity about how he can’t do anything right, how it is all his fault. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>he broke a plate over it, screaming as he threw it at the wall and made a noticeable dent in it he would have to explain to his landlord. it didn’t make him feel much better. his team seems to think they know exactly what helps him feel better, but he doesn’t have the guts to accept their help. he is just barely keeping it together enough to go to the places he wants to keep for him and have, he doesn’t think he’ll keep it together long enough to go out to some crappy cafe with garcia. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>he won’t keep it together. not for long. every brunch with his team is just another empty conversation, meaningless words being thrown around hoping he will finally speak up and say something, anything. he doesn’t tell them that if he speaks he will start sobbing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>so, to avoid making a further mess of himself, he keeps quiet, eyes glued to the wall in front of him. he analyzes the portrait of a woman, sitting on the wall, looking at her cold eyes and looking away when she looks more and more familiar.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>he’s been seeing her face in everyone. when he told his therapist, she sighed. she told him how it was better to <em>just let go.</em> he told her how <em>he can’t let go</em>. he is stuck in this limbo between wanting to die along with her, and wanting to keep living for her. his mind is being torn apart, along with his soul, and he fears he will never be put back together. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>the planetarium is small. it’s also 45 minutes away from his apartment and the BAU, and maybe that’s why he chose it. it was nice knowing that the things he saw daily couldn’t touch her. now, it’s ironic. all the effort he put into not putting her in harm. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>the apartment is also small. it feels smaller. like it is trapping him with his thoughts, walls closing in every second. his therapist tells him that they’re panic attacks, and he almost scoffs when he hears her tell him that. panic attacks. spencer has never had one, he tells her just that. she just smiles sadly, explains to him how the recent situation might’ve triggered them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>he tries not to let it feel <em>so</em> small, rearranges his furniture in a way that makes space look bigger. he stubs his toe on the coffee table more often now, but it’s a friendly reminder that he’s here. sometimes he wishes he wasn’t. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>it’s raining today, and the birds have chirped at him to get out of bed and put on some actual clothes. he’s been living in oversized sweaters and jeans that he didn’t have a month before. garcia got them for him, after seeing how he had barely any clothes in his walk-in closet. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>he listens to the birds, wills himself up and out of his bed, instantly missing the warmth it provided when he was under the covers. he makes his way over to the closet, picking out his usual clothes instead of the ones he has been using to cry on the couch. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>he grabs a purple sweater and a white dress shirt. he leaves his jeans on, he’ll just put them back on the minute he gets home anyway. he grabs his black converse too, lacing them up quickly. he makes his way to his restroom when he is done getting ready, fully expecting to see a mess when he looks in the mirror. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>his hair is longer now, has grown behind his ear. there is a slight stubble on his face, he doesn’t have the energy to shave it off. besides his hair, he doesn’t look as bad as he thought he would. he almost looks decent. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>he decides that he doesn’t really care what other people think anyway. he already thinks he’s the worst person on this damned earth. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>he makes his way out of his apartment, greeting his next-door neighbor with a jumble of words that say, “good afternoon, i hope you’re doing well.” it sounds like gibberish when it comes out of his mouth. the ride to the planetarium is short, it doesn’t feel like 35 minutes. then again, nothing feels the same anymore. her death has taken everything and messed it up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>the doors open, people rush out of them. they’re all dressed in business suits and spencer wonders what his team is doing right about now. he walks out the doors, making his way up to where the planetarium building is supposed to be.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>when he enters, he thinks he can hear tiny kids. he stops to wonder why there would be little kids today and then remembers that it’s a weekday and that this is most likely a field trip. the receptionist asks him how long he will stay, offers him some deal with a voice that tells him she is bored with this job. he rejects the offer, opts for just an entry ticket for 25 dollars and receives a wristband and a, “have fun.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>he wanders through the planetarium for a while, the voices of kids in the background. he remembers a time where he might have had one of his own. in the time he spends thinking about it, unbeknownst to him, he has wandered enough to stand in the area named ‘our sky and it’s constellations’. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>there is another person here, but he is more entranced with the constellations than he is knowing that another human being is here. he stands in front of the one titled ‘<em>perseus</em>’. the screen is lit up to represent it, and he is in awe at how beautiful it is. he wants her by his side, but for now, he will enjoy it for the both of them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>he barely hears footsteps getting closer to him. “perseus. you know, more and more mothers are starting to name their boys perseus. percy is a cute nickname, and the book series really gave it a good rep.” he turns around to find the person who was here before him standing behind him with a smile on their face. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>he has black hair, so black that spencer thinks it looks like a black hole. the blue shade of his eyes remind him more of lightning before a storm, and he gets lost in them. he turns away quickly, “i don’t really follow constellations. i’ve never been a fan of them, not like other people are.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>the man steps closer to him, finding a place beside spencer. he doesn’t take up too much space, and spencer is grateful for that. if someone were to touch him, even accidentally, he would probably scream at the top of his lungs and push them away. “i can’t help but be close to them. i’m an astronomer, so the stars are practically my entire lifeline.” he turns his head to look at them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“astronomer? you know, an astronomer gets paid more than most people do, working a 9 to 5 job. they get paid an average of 110 to 150 thousand a year which is significantly more than the 28 thousand an office worker makes. it’s also a really popular field but-“ </span>
</p><p>
  <span>they’re smiling at him. like he’s not rambling and moving his hands way too fast for anyone else to understand. he turns his head back towards the screen, which has now started to present the story of perseus. “i’m sorry, i ramble.” they shake their head, smile ever-present. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>they turn to the screen as well. “don’t be. most people don’t even know what an astronomer is. i have to explain my job, and tell them that i don’t just look at the stars all day.” spencer laughs softly at that, looks over at them to find that they’re already looking back. he goes the extra mile and turns his body to face them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“i’m spencer.” they do the same motion, their smile growing wider and wider. “orion.” spencer raises his eyebrows, a smile on his face as well. the smile orion is wearing is just too infectious for him to ignore. “like the constellation?” orion laughs, bringing up his hand to cover his mouth when the teacher and group of students come in. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“<em>just like the constellation</em>.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>the room is now bustling with chatter, kids running around despite the teacher’s attempt at settling them down. she is clearly on the verge of breaking down, and spencer can’t help but feel bad for her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>orion seems to notice where spencer’s gaze is and directs his attention to the group. “they’re cuties, aren’t they?” spencer nods in agreement, watching a kid show off a rock they must’ve gotten from the gift shop a few rooms back. “and they’re quite the group. i mean, i haven’t heard kids this loud in.. a really long time.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“right. do you want to go see jupiter?” spencer turns to face orion and finds himself nodding before he can get any words out. orion grins and takes spencer’s hand, starts running towards another room. the hallway to the left leads them there. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>the display of jupiter is so beautiful that spencer thinks his jaw is going to drop. you would think that a genius like him would have been to a planetarium already, that he would’ve seen all of this before. truth be told, he never had the time to. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>orion notices the look of complete and utter awe on spencer’s face, letting go of spencer’s hand to bring his own up to his face, covering his mouth to stop a laugh. it isn’t very successful and spencer starts laughing too, “i’m sorry, i’ve just never been to a planetarium.” orion is seemingly shocked at this, and the face he is making looks just as funny as the one spencer made moments before. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“what do you mean? you’ve seriously never been?” spencer shakes his head, and a tiny gasp comes from the other. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>no</span>
  </em>
  <span>! why not?” spencer’s brain stops working. he is thinking about why not when he realizes he hasn’t once stopped to think about maeve while he was talking to orion. it feels wrong. like he is betraying her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>he keeps those thoughts at bay, just enough to tell orion that he never had the time to before. orion is not happy to know that spencer has never been in a planetarium, and finds it suitable to drag spencer around every exhibit they can go to. there is one or two exhibits that under renovation, and orion is thoroughly disappointed. he pouts when he realizes that one of them is his favorite, his namesake. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>still, they walk around, seeing the constellations, and buying tickets to an overpriced sky show that gives them a lecture on things the both of them already know. still, it’s nice to just sit down on a bench in a crowded room, filled with people neither of them knows. all they do is look up, find their favorite constellations (</span>
  <em>
    <span>spencer’s is callisto</span>
  </em>
  <span>) and point them out to each other with a cheeky smile. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>it is easy to talk to orion. much like it was with maeve. they talk about nothing in particular. their jobs, where they live, and where they come from. orion, spencer learns, is from california. he is an astronomer, mainly because his mother was in love with the stars, which is fairly obvious by the choice in name. she passed on that love to him, and he knew he had to get a job where he could talk, see, and study the stars. he also learns that orion lives closer to him than spencer thought, only a block away actually. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>when the second sky show is over, it is almost 3 in the afternoon. spencer is surprised when he realizes. he thinks that his watch is broken at first, but finds it is not when he takes it apart quickly to inspect it. “how are you so good at engineering things? physics is </span>
  <em>
    <span>way</span>
  </em>
  <span> too hard for anyone to be an expert at it.” orion whines from his seat. they’re in the small shop that sells snacks, sitting with way too much candy in front of them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>spencer laughs when he hears orion whining, shrugs as to say </span>
  <em>
    <span>it’s not that hard</span>
  </em>
  <span>, to which orion replies with a groan. “you suck, you know that?” he takes a small sip of his coke, spencer laughing yet again. it makes orion smile, taking a twizzler from spencer when he thinks that he is laughing way too much to actually be paying attention to the food on the table. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(</span>
  <em>
    <span>spencer sees him take it, but decides not to call him out on it. the smile on orion’s face is enough for him.</span>
  </em>
  <span>)</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>spencer glances down at his watch, which has now been put back together. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>oh</span>
  </em>
  <span>, it is 3. i thought it was just broken.” orion nods, taking out his phone for a brief second. “sure is. you need to go?” spencer nods and orion suddenly jumps into action. he has taken out a napkin from the holder and has taken the pen that spencer was using to fiddle with the watch. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“here. this is my address and my number. i’m sure even </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span> can figure out how to use a phone correctly. write down yours on here.” spencer rolls his eyes, but does so anyway on the napkin orion has passed him. he mentioned how he was sort of a technophobe and now orion won’t stop mentioning it. the playful grin on the other’s face supports the idea that orion will never let it go. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>they get up, candy in hand, and walk back to the entrance, standing closer than they were before. orion tells him that he drove here, but wishes ‘old man spencer’ a safe trip. then, spencer is on his way to the subway station. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>the entire ride back home is consumed with memories of the planetarium. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>when he gets back to his apartment, his first thought is “</span>
  <em>
    <span>i need a nap</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>.”</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>so, that’s exactly what he does. </span>
</p><p>the nap lets him recharge enough that he is able to actually go to the grocery store without wanting to collapse from the exhaustion he’s been feeling more often. </p><p>he gets enough food to last for three weeks, and the cashier looks at him oddly. he does his best to ignore the glaring look they are giving him, but he eventually snaps. ”<em>what?”</em> he gets out, scowling at the man in front of him. the cashier looks down in shame, muttering an, ”<em>i’m sorry,”</em> before spencer leaves. </p><p>when he gets back home, the sun has set. he took a detour to look at some art exhibit in the park. the focus of the pieces was love. it was too ironic for spencer to pass up. </p><p>he has set away all the food, has placed them away neatly in his cabinets. he grabs a random book of one of his many shelves, and then grabs another when he finishes the first one too quickly. pretty soon, he has finished an entire row of books. none of them carry as much meaning as thomas merton’s. </p><p>he takes a cold shower, changes into a sweatshirt and some pajama pants. he lays awake, looking up at his ceiling for what seems like eternity. he is hesitant to close his eyes. he does not want to dream of her in a bad way. he wants to see her, just not like that. </p><p>-</p><p>
  <span>his dreams have all been the same lately. her, some nice, soft music, and a dance. this time, however, she isn’t getting up to ask him to dance. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>instead, she looks at him with fury in her eyes. a rage that he didn’t think was possible from her. she tells him to sit down beside her, and he obliges. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“why are you talking to </span>
  <em>
    <span>him</span>
  </em>
  <span>? why are you betraying me?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>he stammers, asking what she means. her eyes narrow, and she slaps him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“you know exactly what i mean! orion! he is not the one you need, </span>
  <em>
    <span>i am</span>
  </em>
  <span>. you’re supposed to be with me! why are you </span>
  <em>
    <span>hurting</span>
  </em>
  <span> me?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>she is crying now and goes to hug him. he, of course, hugs her back. he tells her that he only loves her, it will </span>
  <em>
    <span>always</span>
  </em>
  <span> be her, and she accepts his answer. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“i love you too, spencer. don’t forget that.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>he wakes with a gasp, clutching onto a body that is no longer there. he can barely stand to be in his bed any longer when his phone rings. he answers with a small hello and receives a cheerful one that can only come from orion. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“hi! what are you up to today?” spencer really doesn’t want to talk to anyone right now, especially orion.. but his mother didn’t raise someone so impolite. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>he takes a moment before answering, “nothing. i have these few days off work, so i’ve just been wandering about the city.” orion’s response is just as cheerful as his greeting was. “really? well, i was gonna ask you to go get something to eat. are you up for it?” that’s probably the last thing spencer wants to do, especially after that dream. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“i can’t right now. i just remembered i’m on babysitting duty for my friend.” orion’s tone doesn’t change, and spencer wonders how one person can be so optimistic and nice. then, he remembers that he knows garcia, and it is not as impossible as it seems. “that’s alright! maybe another time?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“sure.” there will not be another time, and spencer will probably </span>
  <em>
    <span>never</span>
  </em>
  <span> call again. “alright. well, have a good day spencer. good luck with babysitting.” spencer returns the goodbye and hangs up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>the image of maeve getting angry with him is still burned into his mind, and he is struggling to let it loose. maybe he should’ve gone with orion.. just to clear his head… </span>
</p><p>
  <span> that is exactly what she said not to do. it’s only her. it’ll only ever be her. she was the one outstanding thing he had. now, he will never have that again. he can’t help but feel he’s betraying maeve when he thinks about orion. she said so too. he had betrayed her when he started talking to him, had doused her memory in gasoline, and set it on fire. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>she’s telling him to put her out, to keep her memory. and that’s exactly what he’ll do. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>he throws on a red sweater, a white dress shirt, and some black pants. it’s an outfit he would normally wear for work, and it makes him feel like himself again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>he starts out the door, heading for the metro with coffee and books on his mind. the small cafe 37 minutes away was one spot he had wanted to take maeve to. they divided it into a library and a seating section, the library holding shelves upon shelves of classics and modem texts. he used to go all the time, to read a book and grab a small cup of black coffee. sometimes he would just pretend to read, reciting the conversations he and maeve had in his head instead. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>he found solace in the poetry books, reading them repeatedly just to feel something anything. more often than not, he would feel sad. nights, when he had read a particular poem, were… concerning. yesterday, he felt as if he might drop to his knees in the middle of store, crying. his thoughts were plagued with the idea that she might have been beside him if he had done better.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>he would clutch onto a bottle of pills, or his gun or even the kitchen knife stashed away in one of his cabinets. he had never had a good use for it before. nowadays, all he can think about is plunging that knife deep into his stomach and bleeding out on the wood floor of his apartment. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>the metro is empty, and he finds a seat hunched between a mother and her son, and a teenager. the ride is quick enough that he doesn’t have to worry about the baby, who is edging closer and closer to his sweater, small hands reaching for the hem. before they subject him to the reid effect, the bus stops. he gets out, looking for the small business and finding it packed full of customers. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>he smiles to himself and makes his way over. usually, he would be against being around so many people, but right now he doesn’t seem to care much about it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>he orders a black coffee with loads of sugar, receiving an odd look from the new barista. spencer knows she’s new because he knows all the workers here, and he’s never seen her before today. all of the other workers have since acknowledged that spencer reid is weird and likes a lot of sugar in his coffee, </span>
  <em>
    <span>so what</span>
  </em>
  <span>? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>the barista calls his name, and he takes the coffee, eating a sip down his throat and enjoying the warm feeling it makes in his body. he takes it and himself to the back, where couches are nestled into the corners and there are blankets for when you just need to cuddle into yourself. he takes his place on one further away from the entrance, picking up a stray book. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>luckily, it is long enough to keep him busy for an hour. when he reads the first sentence, he stops. he realizes why it is so familiar, why the weight of the book in his hand seemed so familiar. it is thomas merton. the one thing they shared. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>he has to will himself not to cry in the store. his phone rings, and he scrambles to get it out from his pants pocket. when he answers with a shaky hello, he curses himself. whoever is on the other line will know that he is on the verge of tears, and either feel bad for him or think he’s a mess. either is bad. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“spence? are you okay? you don’t sound so good.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>it’s jj. he feels better knowing it’s not orion, or garcia. he doesn’t think he can take another lecture of how he needs to get out more often. how he needs to move on. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>he is quick to respond, “yeah, i’m okay. what’s wrong?” she chuckles, and spencer can see her shaking her head at him. “nothing. i just wanted to know if you wanted to get lunch with the team. the day has been slow and we don’t think we’ll get a case soon.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>he takes a moment to think, realizing it has been more when jj says his name again. “spencer? you there?” he clears his throat and nods, forgetting that she can’t see him for just a second. “yeah, i’ll be there. you guys going to that italian pizza place again?” she tells him yes and that she is looking forward to seeing him. he says the same and hangs up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>when he looks down at the book in his lap, it takes everything in him to not throw it against the shelf in front of him. he wants to tear this place apart with this bare hands, yell how much it was cruel and unfair that she died and not him. he could’ve given her the chance at life that she needed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>he has done enough with his time here, saved more people in 30 years than a regular person would in their entire lifetime. he wishes he could trade his life for hers, every day. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>he’s had enough with the sound of people talking about useless things, with the sound of the espresso machine, with </span>
  <em>
    <span>every single sound</span>
  </em>
  <span> in the cafe. he picks up his coffee, ignores the stares as he walks out of the cafe. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>he makes his way back to his apartment in record time. he has never wanted to be alone so much. when he gets through the door, he can barely contain his tears anymore. they spill out like a waterfall, landing on the wood floor with small plops. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>he throws the cup of coffee away, nearly missing the trash can in all his anger. he can hardly stop the thoughts that are racing through his mind, they are vague memories of when he was with her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>when he was </span>
  <em>
    <span>happy</span>
  </em>
  <span> with her. when he knew that he would get to call her, get to hear her voice. her voice, how </span>
  <em>
    <span>lovely</span>
  </em>
  <span> it was to just hear her voice. he had never heard someone so beautiful. the way she would comfort him, the way she would tell him he wasn’t crazy for having painful migraines. it’s absurd how quickly everything can change. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>it’s absurd how alone you can feel without that one person, even in an ocean of friends. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>he has told no one how often he wants to join her, up in the sky. he spends some nights fantasizing about it. has spent lots of nights dreaming about finding her in the clouds, her figure wearing a white dress. she is smiling at him, offering him her hand for a dance. he wants to take it, and let go. but he can’t, because then he sees 6 figures behind him. his team. they need him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>they are pulling him away from her, and he is </span>
  <em>
    <span>screaming</span>
  </em>
  <span> at them to let him go. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>drops of coffee have spilled on the floor, and so has he. he is up against the wall, knees tucked to his chest, </span>
  <em>
    <span>weeping</span>
  </em>
  <span> with every bone in his body. he hears his phone ring, but doesn’t pick up. whoever it is, if it’s important, will call back. </span>
  <em>
    <span>spencer cannot stop the tears for long enough to answer anyway</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>he’s sure the neighbors can hear his cries for maeve, his weeping for another chance. he doesn’t care if they are cursing him for another session of smashing glasses and plates against the wall they share. he is far more concerned with how he will get up from this bottomless </span>
  <em>
    <span>pit</span>
  </em>
  <span> of sorrow and grief. </span>
</p><p><span>his breaths are shaky, his chest is tight, and his throat is so dry that he wants to get up from the floor right away to get a glass of water. when he makes to stand up, it is more difficult than it has ever been before. thomas merton is still on his mind, and his knees are jelly. </span><em><span>weeping</span></em> <em><span>over losing the love of his life has taken every ounce of strength he once held in his body. </span></em></p><p>
  <span>he eventually makes it up, grabbing onto the edge of his end table and willing himself to stand. the glass of water is in his hands in seconds, and he barely remembers getting it. his thoughts are still racing by, pictures of her face flashing before his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>she looks nice. the pictures are made up, a composite of the one time he had the pleasure of seeing her face. he wishes it hadn’t been the last and first time he would see her beautiful face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>the phone is ringing again. he picks it up from the floor where it slipped out of his pockets and answers with a crack in his voice. jj laughs at him, and says hello. “hey, are you almost there?” he turns to face the clock on his wall, it’s almost time for their lunch break. he is debating whether or not he should even go, considering he just spent an hour and 27 minutes on the floor, a sobbing mess. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>he has already missed three team outings, however, and garcia will call him if he misses this one. “yes, i just need something from my apartment. i’ll be there soon.” she tells him it’s fine, that she will save him a seat, and hangs up. spencer takes the time to look around his apartment. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>there is no broken glass or plates, and he is thankful that it did not get that far. the last time it did, his neighbors had a fit, almost calling the police on him. apparently, the sound of glass and chinaware smashing against their shared wall is loud enough to wake them up in the middle of the night. he pleaded with them enough to get them to go back to sleep with little struggle. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>there is coffee spilled on the floor, so he cleans it up before it can stain the wood flooring any more. after that, he cleans himself up, taking the time to wipe away his tears well enough that it looks like he never even shed any. when he looks at himself in the mirror, it confuses him. he doesn’t look as bad as he feels. he feels like his soul is being </span>
  <em>
    <span>ripped</span>
  </em>
  <span> apart, and yet his body is still intact. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>he takes what he can though, and stops thinking about that. the bus ride to the pizza place is calling him, so he sets off on his way there. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>it is another quick ride before he gets there, stepping off and flattening down his red sweater that became slightly wrinkled from the extended time he spent on the floor. he tries to not think about his bad he felt when he was on his wood floor, taking a deep breath as if </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span> will help him any more than his medication will. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>when he enters the small restaurant, it is already bustling with chatter. he finds the booth where his team is sitting fairly quickly and makes his way over to them with a smile on his face. it’s not as genuine as he would like, but it’s something. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>they explode with happiness when they see him, most likely expecting that he wouldn’t come at all. they all get up to hug him, it’s a little bit suffocating but spencer accepts them anyway. he’s grateful that they’re at least trying to help him. “so, what are we getting?” rossi speaks, diverting the conversation. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>a smile grows on his face when penelope stats arguing with derek over what toppings they should get. derek is </span>
  <em>
    <span>insistent</span>
  </em>
  <span> on getting a normal pepperoni one, but garcia is </span>
  <em>
    <span>insisting</span>
  </em>
  <span> on getting a hawaiian one, much to rossi’s despair. hotch is watching on with amusement, more focused on the phone in his hands where he is no doubt talking with jack’s aunt about how jack is doing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>rossi, despite being the first to say something about their choices, has quieted down, watching with amusement as well and interjecting with a, “kids, play nice.” every once in a while. jj, used to bickering about choices, is just shaking her head and looking down at the menu. spencer is sure she has learned how to tune out arguments, especially when you have two boys who talk about anything and everything. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>blake has laughed more times than anyone else, enjoying the time away from the office and giving her explanation of why hawaiian pizza is an excellent choice. derek retorts with a, “come on blake! </span>
  <em>
    <span>pineapple</span>
  </em>
  <span> on </span>
  <em>
    <span>pizza</span>
  </em>
  <span>? sweet fruit and marinara sauce just don’t go together!” spencer is glad to see them all so relaxed. if only </span>
  <em>
    <span>he</span>
  </em>
  <span> could have the same luxury. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>eventually, garcia gives in and allows derek to order them two pepperoni pizzas. jj always eats more than they would assume, and derek would probably eat a whole pizza by himself if garcia didn’t tell him to save some for the others. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>conversation flows between them easily. spencer is grateful for that. no one brings up how he looks a little more disarrayed than usual, or the dark circles that are more prominent lately. he is grateful for that too. if they were to ask him how he was doing, he would probably yell at them, say sorry, and then cry, all in a few seconds. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>they eat their pizza, jabs being thrown at garcia for even recommending hawaiian from derek, and hotch telling garcia that he likes hawaiian too which surprises everyone at the table. they’re a family, and spencer is grateful that he has such a wonderful family. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>but family isn’t always what you need. spencer knows this when he feels the ache in his chest again, his heart feeling </span>
  <em>
    <span>tight</span>
  </em>
  <span> as he sees a woman with a face like maeve’s. he swears that jj sees her too, gives him a sideways glance after she does. jj has always seen right through him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>spencer is the first to leave, much to garcia’s distaste. she tells him to stay for just a little while longer, but he just smiles sadly and tells her he needs to get back home. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>she lets it go, and smiles back at him, reaching out to rest a hand over his. they all say goodbye to him, derek reminds him to buy more groceries when he can, and then spencer is on his way back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>it’s quiet in his apartment. </span>
  <em>
    <span>too quiet</span>
  </em>
  <span>. he turns on the radio for some background noise, grabs a book off the many shelves in his living room, and sits down on his brown leather couch. he is flipping through the book faster than most people, hand reaching out to grab another when he finishes the first in record time. his hand grabs onto a familiar weight. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>he almost wishes he hadn’t gone back home when he feels the book in his hand. he knows exactly what it is and </span>
  <em>
    <span>cannot</span>
  </em>
  <span> bring himself to look at the title. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>tears start spilling out before he can contain them, they are marking the cover with droplets. he places the book back on his end table, knuckles gripping onto the hardcover, and turning white from the force he is using. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>the book slams against the wall in front of him, ricocheting onto the floor below him and hitting him in the shin before it does. it will leave a nasty bruise in the morning, but he doesn’t really care. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>he stands up from the couch, running a hand through his hair as damaging thoughts come back to haunt him. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>you can’t even control your anger anymore. what kind of FBI agent are you? first, you let the love of your life die, and now you’re struggling to go on? she was no different from any other girl that died at the hands of her stalker.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“shut up!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>he is yelling at the ceiling, saying the words over and over again. he knows that he’s talking to no one, screaming at the air instead of a person. his neighbors will call his landlord, complain about him, and he will have to explain that he is </span>
  <em>
    <span>losing his mind </span>
  </em>
  <span>more and more </span>
  <em>
    <span>every single day</span>
  </em>
  <span> without her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>he didn’t think it would hurt this bad, </span>
  <em>
    <span>but it does</span>
  </em>
  <span>. it hurts so much more than he ever thought possible. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>he yells for a good ten minutes, only stopping when he feels like he’s cried and shouted enough for one night. he turns up the radio, classical music filling the apartment. it is a good distraction from the utter mess his apartment is.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>he doesn’t remember walking around and leaving debris wherever he could. he only remembers losing it when the neighbors yelled at him to quiet down. the last ten minutes have been a blur of anger and melancholy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>the plates in his cabinet have been shattered, he threw them at the invisible person against his wall. there is only one left, he will have to go out to buy more. the books that were once on his shelf are now on the floor, and his end table and lamp have been knocked over. the cord is dangerously long and poses a risk of tripping over it. he wishes he would. he wishes he could just trip over it, hit his head hard enough, and have this pain </span>
  <em>
    <span>stop</span>
  </em>
  <span>, once and for all. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>he picks them up, places the lamp gently on the table, and plugs it back in. he puts the books back in the shelves, throwing away the ones with pages ripped out of them. his poetry books have been destroyed, the ones filled with stanzas about how ethereal love can be. how it can feel like you are floating in the night sky, the only other person being the one you love and cherish so much. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>he is not tethered to anyone anymore. he is floating by himself, up in the stars, with no one there to tell him where to go. </span>
  <em>
    <span>he is getting dangerously close to the sun, and he will explode eventually.</span>
  </em>
  <span> he can’t see anything for miles, his vision is getting blurrier with each passing second, he will eventually just close his eyes and fall into the darkness. </span>
  <em>
    <span>it’s the way things go. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>he picks up the chinaware off the floor, chucking the pieces into the trash can after securing them in a second bag. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>afterward, he takes the first deep breath since he woke up. the sun is setting. he can feel the warmth of the uv rays leave his skin, it is getting scaringly cold in his living room. he decides to get out of this pit that resembles his living room, taking with him his phone that he apparently threw onto the kitchen counter before he lost it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>it rings once he gets outside, he is quick to answer it when he sees that it’s derek calling. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“yes?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>he receives a chuckle, one that means ‘you’re cute and dumb.’ he is familiar with it after working with derek for so long, calling derek his best friend and brother more than his coworker. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>he rolls his eyes, but a smile appears on his face regardless. “what do you want, derek?” derek is quick to respond, their banter being one of the things that makes them both smile, “</span>
  <em>
    <span>woah</span>
  </em>
  <span>, chill out pretty boy. i just wanted to ask if you’re busy tonight. garcia wanted to watch a movie and blake and jj are coming too. it might not be your style, but it’s tough to find a movie in russian around here.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>he knows he will say no, but hesitates to make it seem like he’s thinking about derek’s offer. “i don’t think so. i was planning on staying in tonight.” he can hear derek sigh out of disappointment, and guilt stabs him in the chest. “suit yourself, pretty boy.” derek hangs up after they say goodbye, and spencer is alone again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>he is beginning to think that being alone is the only thing he’s good at. he can’t save lives like he used to, can’t even pick up a book or even think properly. maybe he’s meant to be alone. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>the sky is full of stars tonight. he can see them despite the light coming from the street lamp beside him. they are </span>
  <em>
    <span>beautiful</span>
  </em>
  <span>, and they remind him of orion. orion, who came after someone that spencer loved so dearly. who is just a friend, but he is a friend like no other. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>the good thoughts of orion are replaced with ones of maeve. maeve, who he could not save despite his best efforts, and is floating up in the sky, with no one there to hold her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>he is looking up at the sky. it rains, small droplets of water at first, before it turns into a full on rain shower. his clothes are soaking wet, but he doesn’t care. he doesn’t care about a lot of things now. doesn’t care what people think, doesn’t care what people see, and he doesn’t care what people hear. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>he is looking up at the sky. he is imagining himself up there with maeve. he wants so badly to just jump up and reach her, bring her down from wherever she is and hold her tight. wrap her up in his arms and </span>
  <em>
    <span>never</span>
  </em>
  <span> let go. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>he wants to be free of the roots that are planting him on this wretched earth, wants to be free of everything cruel that has ever happened to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>but the roots are not budging, they are forcing him into a downwards spiral and the dirt is clogging up his lungs with every inch of earth that he goes deep under. it is getting harder to breath and he wishes he wouldn’t breath at all. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>he wishes he could cut himself loose and finally be free.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. ethiopia</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>a trip to the museum, suicidal thoughts, and the anniversary of her death.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>uh if you guys find any errors, let me know :(</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>when spencer wakes, it is with an ache in his chest and a black feeling in his soul. </p><p>his body is warm, yet all he can truly feel is the cold. he wants to be next to her, holding her as they fall asleep, listening to the rain fall on the roof of their shared apartment. </p><p>it’s raining, it never stopped last night. there is no one here to keep him comfort. that is his fault. he is all alone. </p><p>it takes him a long time to get up from his bed, shoving the blue covers away in lazy motions. he makes his bed. he hasn’t done that in such a long time that seeing the bed neatly made is a foreign sight. </p><p>he makes himself a cup of black coffee, taking out the bag of sugar and pouring it into the mug for longer than anyone else would like. he sits down on his couch to drink it, mind wandering to the dream he had last night. </p><p>in the dream, he is with maeve, sitting on his ugly couch. it is showing more signs of wear than it is right now. he likes to think it’s because they have sat down on it, cuddling and watching a foreign movie, more times than they can count. they have lived in the apartment, together for so many years that the couch reflects their time together. </p><p>he worries that she will get mad at him, and she does. but then, she stops herself. she sighs and shakes her head, like she disappoints herself. </p><p>she smiles up at him, eyes full of an emotion that spencer cannot place. it looks like letting go. spencer doesn’t know how to put a word to it because he hasn’t let go of her. she’s letting go of him. </p><p>“spencer. i’m sorry. i have kept you here for too long. you’re not alone, spencer. he’s here. you don’t know it yet, but he’s here.” </p><p>he is confused. who is she speaking about? the only male figures in his life, notable ones at least, are his coworkers. his team. he voices this to maeve, but she just laughs. </p><p>she tells him he’ll find out soon enough. </p><p>the dream ends with her getting up, walking to the front door of his apartment, and leaving before spencer can ask her to stay for just one more minute. just one more minute.</p><p> </p><p>his phone is ringing. he hesitates to answer because who would ring him up at 10 in the morning? he does so anyway and orion’s voice is filling his head when he does. </p><p>“hey! any plans for today? i have tickets for an exhibit at the museum today. the one by the planetarium?” spencer hums in response, his mind has already figured out which museum orion is talking about, he remembers passing by it and thinking that the architecture resembled that of greek buildings. “anyway, it’s the greek heroes and stories exhibit. seemed like your type?” </p><p>he is thinking about the dream again. maeve with her soft smile and doe eyes. maeve telling him she is letting him go. his heart hurts when he realizes that he has been shutting himself away. he has been living in his sorrow and pity. it isn’t what she would want.</p><p>he needs to try, at the very least. he needs to be better. he needs to get out of his apartment more often, talk to more people. orion can be one of those people, if he just lets him in. </p><p>“yeah, it is. hey, i’ll see you there. say, 12?” he can practically see the smile orion must have on his face right about now. strange how they’ve only seen each other once and spencer can already figure out exactly what the other is doing. </p><p>orion leaves him hanging for a while, and spencer thinks he must’ve thought spencer wouldn’t say yes. not after yesterday. “sure. i’ll see you there.” spencer smiles to himself. orion’s voice has a hint of excitement and spencer can’t help but feel the same way. “see you.” orion says, leaving spencer with his excitement, a feeling he hasn’t felt since maeve told him they could meet. </p><p>maeve. thinking about her reminds him he has a therapy session he should get ready for. it will only be an hour, and spencer hopes that that hour doesn’t take away this lost feeling that he has in his chest. </p><p>he gets up from the couch, the leather creasing where he sat and leaving an indent that he will have to flatten out when he gets home. he puts on a blue dress shirt, an old black tie, and some black dress pants. it’s an outfit he would normally wear to work, and he finds it suitable enough for therapy. he grabs an umbrella, the clouds looming over D.C. haven’t moved and he really doesn’t want to end up soaking wet like he did last night. </p><p> </p><p>the metro takes longer to arrive, and it throws him off for a second until he remembers that it’s a saturday afternoon. people are going to coffee shops with their friends or to the new store that opened up on main street. maybe even going on tours of the capitol. </p><p>the office where his therapist is is across town, which makes him even more hesitant to actually attend their sessions. he has to will himself out of bed, across town, to go to an office that smells vaguely of cinnamon and pine trees. then again, she is the best D.C. offers for people with unresolved trauma. </p><p>he makes it right on time, like he always does. the receptionist tells him she is ready for him in her office and that she will bill him after the next session. he thanks her and makes his way down the hall, finding the room easily. </p><p>when he enters, she is already looking at the door. he sighs, sets down the satchel he almost forgot to pick up when he left his apartment on the end table. she takes out her notebook. spencer wants to know what she’s writing. </p><p> </p><p><em> suicidal. crazy. loves too much. doesn’t know how to move on </em>.</p><p>that’s what he would write. </p><p> </p><p>“how are you feeling?” </p><p> </p><p>he hates that question. what is he supposed to say?<em> i feel like absolute shit, thanks. maeve won’t stop appearing in my dreams, and now even she is telling me that i’m crazy and need to move on. </em></p><p>“<em>fine</em>.” </p><p>she gives him a look, raises her eyebrows because she knows he’s just bullshitting her. he gives another sigh before he opens up like he’s supposed to. </p><p>he tells her all about the dream he had last night, he tells her about orion and how he feels about him. it’s not adoration or anything like that. he just enjoys his company. </p><p>she tells him that that’s progress, and it is exactly what he needs to be doing. “spencer, you need more people to surround yourself with. you <strong><em> cannot </em></strong> rely on just one person for happiness, not when that person has gone.” </p><p>she’s right. <em> when is she ever wrong </em>? still, it’s hard to not depend on maeve to keep him sane. she was the one person in the entire world that liked the same things he did, read the same boring books that he did. boring to the rest of the world, sacred to the both of them. </p><p>the session is over before he knows it, talks of how to open himself up have taken up a majority of the time. he told her how he fears losing someone else, how it would feel if they were to abandon him or end up the same way she did. she just smiled and told him, “take the leap of faith, spencer. you’ll never know how happiness feels unless you <em> allow </em> yourself to feel it again.” </p><p>they exchange goodbyes and she tells him to take care of himself, and to talk to orion soon. she ups his sleep medication after telling her how badly he wants to sleep without having another dream that involves her. </p><p> </p><p>then, he is outside of the pristine building, waiting for the metro to take him to the museum. </p><p>he gets to the museum, finds orion sitting on the steps that lead up to it. he is <em> bouncing </em> with energy and spencer can tell that it’s because astronomy and greek myths are his favorite thing in the entire world ( <em> he told him so when they first met. </em>) he can’t help but smile when orion runs over to him, waving with a grin on his face. </p><p>“hi! i’m happy you showed!” orion takes his hand and starts running up the stairs with spencer in tow before he can even protest. he would usually keep himself at a distance so that no one even got the opportunity to touch him, but orion seems to take up more and more space with each day and spencer doesn’t mind as much as he normally would. </p><p>they make it inside the exhibit after a quick payment of 35 dollars to the tour guide, orion letting her know that he has been here plenty of times and that she need not hang around them, just the new ones. she smiles at them and tells them to enjoy. orion’s smile is so infectious and spencer thinks that’s the only reason she let them go off on their own. </p><p>he is whispering facts into spencer’s ear the entire time, correcting the other tour guide whenever he says something obviously from google. orion asks him if he wants to walk away from the statue of zeus, find the one of perseus instead. it reminds him of when they first met, so spencer has a hard time saying no. </p><p>“sure. let’s go.” orion grins, and much like the first time, grabs his hand and runs out of the cramped room. they wind up in an empty room, looking up at a statue that has seen wear and decay but is beautiful anyway. perseus is looking down at where andromeda is, chained to the side of a rock. </p><p>orion turns to him, hands in the pockets of his jeans. “you know, perseus was about the only person who cared about andromeda. her mother said that she was prettier than all the sea nymphs, eventually getting poseidon angry which caused the king to want to appeal to him.” he is walking around the room now, taking closer looks at the rocks and grinning when he notices small details of the couple. how their hands are reaching out for one another. </p><p>spencer takes the time to look at orion. oversized sweatshirt that reads ‘yale university’ and jeans that hug his tanned skin. he is undoubtedly attractive, but spencer doesn’t know if he wants to accept the attraction he feels. it feels too soon, too <em> quick </em> to move on. </p><p>“her father allowed his daughter to be chained up and be food for a sea monster. the people in her life really screwed her over, you know?” he knows. he knows how it feels. to be screwed over by people you trust, and by the universe. he found out how it felt when he was 10 years old, watching his father peel out of their driveway. he felt it when gideon left him with nothing but a note. </p><p> </p><p>“<em> yeah, i know. </em>” </p><p> </p><p>orion has settled into the space beside spencer, looking up at the ceiling to see the design that resembles the night sky. spencer does the same, recognizes the constellation. “perseus married her though. took her away and saved her. hell of a guy?” spencer can’t help but laugh and nod, orion grins at him with a look in his eyes that tells spencer that he was looking to get a laugh out of him. </p><p>“hell of a guy.” spencer agrees, giving orion a playful grin. they linger for a little while longer, watching the hologram on the ceiling change from the night sky to a picture of both the andromeda constellation and the perseus constellation. </p><p>it’s a beautiful story, and spencer will carry it with him forever. the knowledge that someone will come along, help you, and make you happy. all he needs to do is wait and <em> let them in </em>.</p><p>orion drags him to another room, giving him a little tug and a laugh when he gets caught up looking at the statue of the minotaur. he has never seen something so.. creepy? and yet, so entrancing. he drags him to the room labeled <em> ‘the hunters of artemis </em>’ </p><p>there is a statue in the middle of the room, surrounded by statues of women with bows and arrows, looking fierce and as if they might come alive and shoot you dead where you stand. there is a fire in their eyes that makes spencer appreciate how talented a sculptor must be to depict such an emotion in a piece of concrete. </p><p>orion tells him all about the hunters, how they swear to never engage in romantic relationships, how they are sisters in war and how the goddess artemis leads them. artemis fell for his namesake apparently, and spencer gets quite a laugh when orion tells him he <em> certainly </em> wouldn’t have fallen for <em> her </em>. he’s gay. </p><p>“i mean, she’s <em> amazing </em>, don’t get me wrong. just not my choice of gender.” </p><p>they laugh a lot in the time they’re in the museum. then, when their time is up and the tour guide tells them as much, they quiet down. they walk back in sync, they’re <em> painstakingly </em> aware that they just spent two hours rambling on and on about greek heroes and neither of them knows how to feel. </p><p>when they get to orion’s car, spencer is already fiddling with the end of his tie, scratching it with his nail and making an <em> awful </em> sound. “hey, are you alright?” spencer nods right away, running a hand through his hair to calm himself down. “fine.” orion is skeptical, spencer can tell by the look in his blue eyes. he seems to understand that spencer doesn’t want to talk about it and just nods his head in acceptance. </p><p>“need a lift home?” </p><p>spencer is wary for two reasons. 1. orion <em> could </em> be a murderer targeting him because he is an FBI agent. 2. orion could be genuinely nice, but just trying to get into spencer’s pants. either would leave him even more broken than he already is. or dead. the death part of the former doesn’t sound too bad. </p><p>regardless, everything orion has done has told him he isn’t an axe murderer waiting to kidnap spencer, so he nods with a soft smile in orion’s direction. orion smiles back and opens up the passenger seat to his car. “just let me know where to go.” </p><p>the music playing on the drive home is music that spencer doesn’t listen to. it sounds like everything else that they play on the radio, and spencer likes songs that have meaning. songs he can cry to. </p><p>“you can just keep on driving as if you’re going home, and then take a left.” orion nods, and they fall into a comfortable silence. spencer hates the silence most of the time. this is different though. it <em> feels </em> different. </p><p>he doesn’t want to linger on the feelings he is developing for orion. he doesn’t know how well orion will take the news of how maeve was murdered in front of him and how sometimes spencer wishes he could just join her. </p><p> </p><p>his mind isn’t safe, and he does not want to drag orion into a pit where there is nothing to grab onto to pull yourself out. it is lonely in that pit, but it’s better that way. <em> better spencer than orion </em>. </p><p>his mind isn’t safe enough for him to love someone else. or even just <em> like </em>. he will push those feelings away until orion eventually gives up on him and moves on. </p><p> </p><p>“alright, which one is yours?” </p><p>they’re on his street now. spencer points to his beat up building, and orion parks right in front of the entrance. he turns to look at spencer with a soft smile. “i had a really good time being with you.” spencer smiles back and says the same, stepping out of the car. </p><p>he is thinking less about maeve and more about orion. he isn’t sure how to feel about that. </p><p>-</p><p>the next few weeks are filled with outings with orion every other day. sometimes they just get a cup of coffee, sometimes they will go back to the planetarium (<em> orion takes him back for the first time when he learns that the ‘orion’ section has been reopened and looks even more beautiful now. </em>) sometimes they go on walks to nowhere in particular. </p><p>they enjoy each other’s company. </p><p> </p><p>but then, the two month anniversary arrives. </p><p> </p><p>the day starts like this.</p><p>no dream, thanks to the increase in medication, but a longing in spencer's soul. he has an appointment for a therapy session, which his therapist insisted on. he had <em> insisted </em> that he would be fine, he will go out with orion for some breakfast anyway. orion would keep him company. </p><p>she had told him no. she had heard of people who didn’t talk about how the anniversary affected them, how they would collapse. how some of them would lose it and finally <em> end it all. </em> </p><p>ending it all is very appealing, and he wishes that he hadn’t thrown away the kitchen knives the other day. </p><p>it’s harder than usual to get up from bed. he thought he was making progress. he thought he was finally getting better, smiling more often like jj told him he had been. </p><p>he hasn’t seen his team in a while, but the one time they did, it was after he went to the park with orion to cloud gaze. they went out for lunch, at a chinese place downtown. it’s hard not contributing, hard not catching criminals. hotch has told him more than once that he can come back once he passes his psych eval. </p><p>he’s failed it five times now. </p><p><em> bad awareness. seems paranoid. freezes up too often when he hears shots fired. recommend more time away. </em> </p><p>those are all the notes he gets, <em> every single time. </em> </p><p>when he finally gets up from bed, it’s because the alarm clock is ringing. he sets one to make sure he doesn’t claim that he forgot to go to his therapy. it’s bad for him to miss one. </p><p>he slips on some clothes, a white dress shirt, tucked neatly into some black pants, compete with a red tie and his black cardigan. the cardigan fits him a little too big now. it’s a bit worrying until he realizes that he needs to get out of the house now to make it on time to his appointment. that’s a bigger worry than some weight loss. </p><p>if he’s late, she will think that he purposely came late, that he is getting worse. he can’t have that. </p><p>the ride to the office is quick, mainly because it is a monday morning and everyone is already at work or in school. if they’re barely arriving at 10 in the morning, then they are severely late. </p><p>he says hello to the receptionist when he gets there, checking the time and breathing a sigh of relief when it’s shown that he arrived just in time. “she’s ready for you.” he nods and thanks the receptionist, receiving a smile and giving one back. </p><p>doctor rollins is looking at him like he’s a child that’s just learned his mother is dead. he wishes she would stop. he wishes everything would stop. </p><p>“how are you feeling?” </p><p>again, with that same old question. this time he lets it loose. he rips off the bandaid. </p><p>“like a hole has been dug into my chest.” </p><p>she sucks in a breath. it’s not the only time he has voiced these thoughts, but spencer has a feeling that it means much more when you say it so bluntly. </p><p>she takes out her notebook from the top drawer of her mahogany desk, clicking a pen. “<em> why </em>?” he scoffs at the question, assuming she’s just trying to get a reaction out of him and he is right, as always. she has written something down in the notebook. </p><p>
  <em> angry. </em>
</p><p>that’s what he imagines she has written. she is right about him. <em> he is angry </em> . angry that he doesn’t get a second chance, angry that everyone is so fucking fake. no one is <em> genuine </em> . no one really <em> cares </em>, not like she did. </p><p>“<em> why </em> ? because she’s not here and i am.” she writes something down. <em> suicidal </em>. “and why is that so bad?” his eyes are wandering, looking anywhere but at her. he shrugs, “maybe i just don’t want to be alone anymore.” she closes her notebook, and he is inclined to ask why she stops writing. </p><p> </p><p>“<em> does that scare you </em>?” </p><p> </p><p>it’s a question that spencer wasn’t expecting. he was expecting something more vague. a, “you aren’t alone.” because spencer is so taken aback, he struggles to answer. he is trying to find the words, but he can’t. it’s getting harder to breathe and his nose is staring to tickle, like it does when you’re about to start crying. </p><p> </p><p>“<em> i don’t wanna be alone </em>.” </p><p> </p><p>tears are spilling out already, and he is struggling to keep them at bay. he is struggling to do <em> anything </em> right now. he wants to stand in the middle of the road and not struggle anymore. she gets up to lock the door like she knows what he’s thinking. she locks the window too. </p><p>“spencer. you’re becoming codependent on someone who has passed on already. she would <em> not </em> want to see you like this, waiting for something that will never come. she wants you to find that someone, to find someone that will make sure you’re never alone again.” </p><p>her words are right, but he shakes his head as if he thinks she’s wrong. “<em> how do i do that </em> ? i was looking at her for answers for <em> 10 months. </em> 10 months down the drain because of my failure.” she takes a deep breath, like it’s hard for her to see him like this but he is sure that she has seen much worse than a traumatized FBI agent. </p><p>“leap of faith, spencer. it’s a leap of faith. last week, you told me how you had once dreamt of reaching up to the sky, to search for her among the stars.” he nods. it had been a new dream, a stray one amid dreamless nights. she smiles down at him from where she’s standing beside him. </p><p>“the answer is not in the stars, spencer. it’s here, on this planet where you have unlimited opportunities for happiness. the sky cannot provide anything.” </p><p>he looks away, his face blank and tears subsiding already. he is sure that there are marks on his face, that there is a red tint to his nose and his eyes. evidence of a broken man. </p><p>she’s right. he tells her that, and she smiles again. “then, why are you so hesitant to <em> move on </em> from her?” the question sparks something in him. something like anger, it is still flickering inside of him. </p><p>he gives her a disgusted look, he can’t believe she would ask such a question. “it’s only been <em> two months </em> since maeve died. i cannot move on so quickly.” she pinches the bridge of her nose, stumbling over her next words. “i-i know, spencer. i’m not implying that you need to move on right away-“ </p><p>he stands up from the chair, pushing it in with force that resembles a teenager getting mad at his parents. it slams against the front of the mahogany desk and doctor rollins is startled for a minute, her hand flying up to her chest. </p><p>“it sure sounds like it. you know, im not looking for answers in the sky, im looking for <em> her </em>. she deserved better.” he spits out, rollins has the decency to look guilty. he scoffs and shakes his head, unlocking the door and walking out before she can protest. </p><p>he slams the door, patients and the receptionist being startled by the sudden bang of the doorframe. </p><p>he is back in his apartment in record time. he has only been back for a few minutes when he hears ringing from his doorbell. he groans when he hears it but gets up from his couch with a lazy, “coming!” thrown in the door’s direction. </p><p>orion is standing in front of him with the most beautiful grin and yet spencer wants to punch him square in the face. he had already cancelled the day before, so to find orion here when he specifically said not to come by is adding fuel to a fire burning inside of spencer. </p><p> </p><p>“i’m sorry, but i thought you might be home and i wanted to see if you-“ </p><p>“no.” </p><p> </p><p>orion is taken aback by the sudden interruption, his smile slipping from his face and being replaced with a frown. “huh? oh, well, that’s.. that’s fine. are you okay?” spencer huffs and nods, “yes, can you <em> please </em> leave?” orion lingers and spencer really wants to just push him away from the door and slam it in his face. </p><p>“are you sure you’re okay? you’re acting strange-“ </p><p>spencer groans, furrows his eyebrows in anger, can feel how his jaw is tight. “<em> jesus </em> ! look, i’m <em> not </em> your boyfriend or anything! can you just leave me alone?! don’t call, don’t say anything.” his words strike a nerve, and orion’s face matches the anger on spencer’s. </p><p>orion huffs, shakes his head, and looks to the side. spencer feels a pang of guilt when he realizes that it’s because orion is crying silently. when he looks back at spencer, there are already tears streaming down his face that compliment the sad anger in his blue eyes. there is no lightning in them. they look more like a thrashing ocean. </p><p>“i really thought you were different, spencer. you know, my ex? they used to get angry like this. push me away. i <em> never </em> thought you would do the same. i tried so hard for them. i can try for you too, if you would just let me in.” spencer looks towards the kitchen cabinets, avoiding <em> any </em> and all eye contact with the man in front of him. he hears a scoff come from orion. </p><p>he can hear him push down his sweatshirt, a habit that spencer has picked up on. orion does it when he’s trying to find something to do with his hands. “fine. be like that. if you call, <b>don’t</b> expect an answer.” his presence is no longer felt. he has walked away because spencer has <b> <em>ruined</em> </b> it again. </p><p>spencer wishes he could feel something bigger than the guilt eating away at him. he was angry, sure, but <b>not</b> at orion. he had no right to say those things. but it is too late to take it all back. </p><p>later, he might have the energy to apologize, to walk up to orion with a <em> plead </em> for him to forgive him. later, he might have the energy to tell him just exactly what happened. <em> to let him in. </em> </p><p> </p><p>not right now. </p><p>he wants to drop to his knees, much like doctor rollins other patients, and bring a knife to his throat. </p><p>he is crying before he can even shut the door. he closes it softly and he thinks it’s ironic, considering how explosive he had just been. moments before, he was rough edges, a blade sharpened and ready to stab through everyone’s feelings. now, he’s stabbing through himself, he is <em> gaping </em> open and emotions are pouring out of the hole in his chest. </p><p>“<b> <em>god, why did you have to die</em> </b>?..” he asks no one. he runs his hand through his hair. it’s messy, and a little dirty from not showering since last night. the tears are spilling onto the floor, he wipes them away to avoid that. he is still crying though, he can’t stop. he is pulling at his hair, a sharp burn running against his scalp, yet he can’t stop. </p><p> </p><p>he can’t stop crying, he can’t stop the snot, he can’t stop pacing around his apartment. he can’t stop looking out his living room window and wondering if it would be so bad if he just <b> <em>jumped</em> </b> . the fall wouldn’t kill him, but at least he would <em> feel </em> something. something other than this pain, something other than this <em> longing </em> to be with her.</p><p>he can’t stop crying, he is not sure when he <em> ever </em> will. </p><p>the sun is setting. he is settling down on his bed, clothes still on, shoes thrown against the door. the sun is setting. he is slipping under the covers. </p><p>the sun is setting, and he is falling asleep, clutching <em> ‘the narrative of john smith’ </em> in his arms. </p><p>-</p><p>he wakes up with a sore back. the pain is the first thing he notices. he groans when he sits up, rubbing the small of his back before getting out of bed. </p><p>the book is on the floor and he reaches to grab it before it can get dirty. he places it on the end table next to his bed. then, he sits in silence. </p><p>his eidetic memory allows him to relive the guilt of screaming at orion, when orion didn’t deserve it. it allows him to realize that he needs to get to orion’s place as soon as possible. they had exchanged addresses one time, after finding out that they were both taking the metro home and deciding that it would be better if they walked each other home. </p><p>(<em> spencer swore it was just because he wanted to see orion off safely, but he lingered on the front steps of orion’s building after they said goodbye </em>)</p><p>he still has on yesterday’s clothes, and they smell like the cinnamon and pine cone candles from his therapist’s office. he changes out of them, puts on a pair of jeans, his black converse, black sweater, and white dress shirt. </p><p>the sun is <em>so</em> <em>bright</em> today that the heat is getting unbearable. orion’s apartment building seems an eternity away. realistically, it only takes spencer 10 minutes to get to it. </p><p>when he does, he falters. should he have called first? will orion get mad at him? <em> spencer wouldn’t be surprised if he did. </em> </p><p>he takes the first few steps into the building, and then his brain is giving him the number and floor that orion is on. eidetic memory is coming in handy. </p><p>the elevator is broken, and orion lives on the fifth floor. the walk up the stairs gives spencer the time to think about what he will say. <em> sorry i blew up on you yesterday, it was the anniversary of my girlfriend's death, hey did i mention that i watched her brains get blown out in front of me? </em> </p><p> </p><p>before he knows it, he is at the doorstep of apartment 516. he knocks once, hears a small, “i’m coming!” that spencer can tell is being said with a smile. when orion opens the door and sees him standing in his doorway, the smile drops. it’s replaced with a harsh glare. </p><p>“well, look who we have <b>here</b> . you’ve got some nerve showing up here. not even a phone call? then again, you don’t seem to take <em> anything </em> other than your emotions into account.” spencer winces at his words, but knows that he probably deserves that and so much more. </p><p>he takes a deep breath before he speaks. he can’t afford to mess this up, and the past minutes have been full of conversations that this could lead to. orion could hate him even more for not explaining to him, or he could be okay with it but then give up when spencer is too much to handle. or just not give a crap, tell spencer to fuck off right here, and never speak to him again. </p><p>“first, i’m sorry. i was angry yesterday, but not at you. i had no right to yell at you like that, no right to do what i did. i know what your ex did to you, and the fact that i did the same thing is just <b> <em>wrong</em> </b>.” orion has only spoken about vincent once before. it was after spencer took him to go see a foreign movie, spencer cracking a joke that orion looked just like the main character. </p><p>the main character was being abused. orion was also being abused. it was ironic how similar their lives were. spencer found out just how far the abuse went, that night. they were sat in orion’s car, orion crying softly as he explained how he got so good at covering up the bruises that his friends eventually forgot they had concerns over the dark marks on his skin. </p><p>spencer continues, orion now losing the glare and looking at spencer as if he would either slap the hell out of him or hug him. “can we talk? really, just talk? i need to tell you some things.” orion sighs and nods, letting spencer into the apartment. it’s small. no, it’s cozy. it has a tapestry of the stars over the tv, bookshelves full with what spencer assumes are those poetry books that orion loves so much. </p><p>he has been dragged to one or two slam poetry nights with orion and knows that orion has an affinity for poems that make you <em> feel </em> something. he is looking at the shelves, wanting to pick one up and see what books had been so special that orion just had to have them with him. instead, orion leads him to his couch. </p><p>it is green, with flowers filling up the fabric. it looks thrifted, and that makes sense. orion is a big believer in thrifting everything and anything that could be thrifted. he enjoys looking at things that once meant something to people, enjoys knowing that someone once wore the clothes he now wore. they had been a part of everyone and now, they were a part of him. </p><p>“okay. talk.” spencer wasn’t expecting something so blunt. then again, orion probably wasn’t expecting to be yelled at by someone who was becoming his friend. he fiddles with the hem of his black sweater for a few seconds before he settles his hands on his lap. “right..” </p><p>orion looks at him expectedly from his seat on the brown armchair. “let me start by saying that i never meant to yell at you. not yesterday, not ever. i had come from a.. heated therapy session. therapy for..” orion no longer looks angry or sad or like he is about to punch the living daylight out of spencer for showing up. he is listening. </p><p>spencer takes a deep breath before he continues. if he could get through this without crying, it would be great. “for the anniversary of my girlfriend’s death.” orion makes a soft, “oh..” sound and spencer laughs sadly. “yeah. she.. she died two months ago. i had.. i had to watch it happen.” if spencer would not cry then orion apparently would.</p><p>before spencer could register what is happening, orion’s arms are wrapped around his shoulders, bringing spencer into his chest. “i’m so sorry. god, spencer.. i am <em> so </em> sorry you had to go through that.” he can feel his sweater get wet, but spencer doesn’t mind. he is running his fingers through orion’s black hair. it’s curlier than usual, it enthrals spencer. </p><p>“i’m.. i’m fine.” orion pulls back, holding spencer by his shoulders. “spencer, yesterday you looked worse than i have <em> ever </em> seen you.” spencer looks down. he shouldn’t lie, but he can’t help it. he still hasn’t let go but wants to convince himself that he has. </p><p>he nods, “i know. i’m sorry.” orion shakes his head, letting go of spencer to grab a cup of water from his kitchen. he puts it in spencer’s hand and motions for him to take a sip. it is exactly what spencer needed and he is not sure how orion knew. “don’t be sorry. i’m <em> glad </em> you’re telling me this. if you ever need me, i’m here for you.” </p><p>spencer doesn’t understand how a person can be so kind. he just blew up in orion’s face not one day ago, and it seems like they’re already back to how it was before. </p><p>he also doesn’t understand how someone can be there for everything, even the bad. he voices this to orion. </p><p>“what if i’m too far gone to even accept the help you’ll give me? what i get angry again? what if i.. <em> what if i can’t handle all of this </em>?” </p><p>orion smiles sadly at him, sets the cup of water down, and takes spencer’s hands in his. </p><p> </p><p>“<em> i’m here for you. </em>”</p><p> </p><p>it’s all spencer needs to hear to break down on orion’s couch. orion brings him into his arms, running his hands up and down spencer’s arms when he shakes a bit too much. </p><p>orion’s sweatshirts muffles his words, but orion seems to hear him just fine. “these people.. all around us, they’re not feeling anything.. my team, they tell me that they know how it feels, but <b>they don’t</b> ! they don’t..” orion mumbles into his ears, “ <em> i know. i’m here </em>.”</p><p> </p><p>he is sobbing into orion’s sweatshirt, his lungs are burning from the lack of oxygen and his throat is hurting: “it hurts <em> so </em> much, i can’t lie.. so damn much.. i can’t do anything.” orion tells him he’s wrong, tells him how searched up his team and found thousands of articles about how many lives they have saved. how many lives <em> he </em> has saved. </p><p>spencer spends what seems like eternity buried in the soft fabric of orion’s yale sweatshirt. it is wet, and he feels bad about it. orion must know what he’s thinking because he quickly says, “it’s fine. it can be washed,” when he catches spencer’s eyes on the wet patch in the middle of the sweatshirt. </p><p>spencer nods blindly, wiping away his last tears from the corners of his eyes. “i’m-“ he stops himself when orion glares at him. this one is playful, he can tell by the glint in orion’s blue eyes. “right. okay. thank you for letting me.. unload that on you.” orion shrugs, “we all need to cry every once in a while.” spencer huffs out a slight laugh at that. </p><p>every once in a while has quickly turned into three times a week for spencer. “i.. i seem to cry more often than that. i just.. i <em> can’t </em> let her go. no matter how hard i try.” orion is looking at him with a sadness that mimics spencers. spencer remembers that orion had been in a similar situation when his mother died. </p><p>she died in a freak car accident. orion was only 13. she was out buying supplies for orion’s birthday party. he blamed himself for a long time before he learned how to accept that he had no part in his mother’s death. </p><p>“it’s hard. you’ll get there. you’ll enjoy things by yourself, knowing that she wants that for you and that that’s enough. you’ll find joy again.” spencer nods, shuffling his feet around like he does when he’s nervous. “i think.. being around you is the most joy i’ve felt in a long time.” orion smiles at that, “that’s good to hear. i wasn’t dragging you to slam poetry for a terrible time.” </p><p>spencer laughs softly, orion joins in. it’s nice to laugh with him. with orion as his company. </p><p> </p><p>he won’t tell orion just yet, but last night he had a dream. </p><p>he had a dream with maeve again. </p><p>it started off the same. her on his brown leather couch. this time, instead of asking him to dance, she points him toward orion, who is sitting at spencer’s dining table. </p><p>“go dance with him. he looks at you like you’re the only person in the entire world, you know?” </p><p>she places orion’s hand in his. it is warm and spencer thinks it must be from the californian side of him. </p><p> </p><p>they start to sway in spencer’s living room, frank sinatra singing to them about how he wants someone to fly him to the moon. the room is filled with moonlight. the hole in his chest has also been filled. </p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>was this good lmao</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. andromeda</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>a case that makes spencer feel numb, confessions that are not quite love but they’re getting there, and one last visit.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>idk if anyone cares but the songs i listened to and would highly recommend listening to as you read are gimme love by joji and venus by sleeping at last.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>it has been four months, five days, 10 hours, 7 minutes, and 46 seconds since she died. his brain has been keeping count for him, but he does not linger on the time that has passed. not anymore. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>he passed his psych evaluation a few days after his talk with orion. apparently, sometimes, the thing you need most is just someone to listen. someone who wasn’t there when they died. someone with an outside view. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>spencer has spent more time with orion than any other person. the team has voiced how they miss him, inviting him out to drinks even though they know he will say that he has plans with orion. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>they have met him once, by accident. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>spencer never pegged his teammates as people who would go the planetarium for a team outing, so when he saw them, it was a complete surprise. he had just gotten out of his third sky show with orion, orion falling behind him when they stepped out of the room. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“spencer? everything alright?” he gave a quick nod. two months ago, his therapist would’ve told him it was him deflecting from the question. now, she just tells him it’s good that he is finally establishing trust with another person. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>orion is now besides him, getting a view of derek and garcia’s arguing over the statue of poseidon. derek is insisting that it is a trident in his hands, and garcia is saying that it is so decayed that derek could not possibly know what it is. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>orion gives a tiny laugh, bumping his hip into spencer’s. “they sure are quite the pair, huh?” spencer can’t help but laugh with orion, and that brings derek’s eyes over to him. they widen when derek realizes that his teammate/brother is here. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>derek points out spencer and orion to garcia who squeals in delight and brings over the entire team from the presentation on greek heroes that is taking place in the same section that spencer and orion met. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>the team rushes over, garcia is shaking hands with orion before either of them can even notice. “pleasure to meet you! you must be spencer’s friend, orion? beautiful name!” orion looks over at spencer with a grin on his face, spencer knows that orion has met someone who can match his energy. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>they all get along well. rossi loves the fact that orion is an astronomer, he has spent many nights in italy looking up at the stars. blake is happy that spencer has a friend to go to when she is not around to decompress with spencer after a nasty case. jj is also happy that he has a friend, but she catches the sideways glance that spencer makes towards orion and knows that orion might not be just a friend. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>hotch, despite his cold exterior, warms up to orion easily. derek does so too, exchanging embarrassing stories about spencer that orion has picked up over the four months they have known each other. the fact that orion has made a good living as an astronomer entrances hotch and he asks him all about the job. as a kid, he had an affinity for the stars that was unfortunately burned out when his father told him it was a terrible career choice. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>orion is happy to indulge hotch, he tells him all there is to the job. spencer is happy they get along so well. he’s happy about a lot of things now. he has orion to thank for that, him and his team that is more like his family. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>his therapist tells him that their sessions can be shortened now that he’s making more and more progress, but he tells her he would prefer it if they continued. just in case. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>he hasn’t felt that pull in his chest to jump out a window recently, but he does not trust himself as much as he did before. still, he takes the insignificant victory and goes out to get breakfast with orion when he has been successfully weaned off the antidepressants and sleeping medication he used to take every day.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>orion has helped him in more ways than one. spencer says thank you after all of them. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>orion has helped him after cases that were so bad that spencer wanted to lock himself in his room. it’s always hostage situations that hit him the most. penelope, being the closest to orion after finding out that he is obsessed with those cute pictures of dogs on instagram, is always the one to let orion know that spencer will come back home with more baggage. she lets him know to call him, ask him how he feels, and wait for him to explain what happened. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>spencer always does. he is getting better at it. he is getting better at explaining what he feels, how he feels. it’s a pleasant feeling in his chest, much more pleasant than the void he used to feel. memories of late night walks, shared coffee, and poetry have filled that void. all of them with orion. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>sometimes he fears that he is becoming codependent again, relying on orion to be his source of happiness. he is reassured that he is not when orion tells him he is going back home to california for a few days, and spencer is okay with it. he doesn’t lose his mind over not being with orion for a few days. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>he sees him off at the airport with a smile playing on his lips, orion has a matching one. they call each other every day if they can, but spencer doesn’t rely on them or on orion for joy. he finds it by himself, like he’s supposed to. he’s learning how to share that joy, is all. when he tells his therapist, she tells him that she is proud of him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>orion brings him souvenirs from san diego, a small keychain that spencer has clasped onto his keys the minute he gets it, a sweatshirt (spencer can’t stop stealing orion’s after spending the night.) and a teddy bear that is holding onto a palm tree. orion gets him the teddy bear, mostly as a joke, but spencer falls asleep much faster with it, so he isn’t opposed to the joke as much as he should be. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>today, orion is coming back from what was supposed to be a week long trip back home that was cut early when vincent came knocking on orion’s beach home. the trip has been cut to four days because of the encounter, and from the phone call spencer received last night, it is obvious orion cannot wait to get back to D.C. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>apparently, vincent had showed up, drunk as all hell, begging for orion to take him back. he was on his knees in front of orion’s door, saying things like, “i never meant it baby.. i never meant to hurt you.” orion had slammed the door shut in vincent’s face after some words and called the police. technically, it was trespassing on private property. the police didn’t do much but send vincent home with a warning, but it was enough to get him off orion’s back. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>orion had had enough with chance encounters of the vincent kind, so he bought the earliest ticket back home and lucked out when it was the next day, bright in the morning. for spencer, it means having to wake up at 6 in the morning to pick up orion from the airport, but spencer would do practically anything for orion after all the help he has given spencer. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>when he gets to the airport that sunday morning, it’s bustling and loud, which doesn’t surprise spencer. there is people all around, some lounging in the chairs that dig into spencer’s back and leave a mark on his skin. he walks around the airport to pass the time, picking up a cup of coffee from the cafe with little patrons. he finishes it in just a few minutes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>it’s not long before orion’s flight is being called over the intercom, the monotone voice letting spencer know that orion has safely landed and that the next flight to cali will be in a few hours. spencer makes his way to wait for orion, checking for the head of curly black hair amid so many people. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>he spots him, and a smile comes to his face right away. orion is also smiling, having seen spencer from where he’s standing. he rushes over, like he cannot wait to touch spencer. spencer feels the same way. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>they meet in the middle, immediately falling into an embrace with childish grins on their faces. spencer holds orion by the shoulders when they separate. “how was it? despite the whole asshole showing up at your door situation.” orion laughs and shrugs. “you know, beaches, sand in places it shouldn’t be in, and gift shops.” spencer rolls his eyes playfully, taking orion’s blue suitcase in his hands. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>orion tries to stop spencer from walking away with his suitcase in tow, but spencer has a death grip on the handle and is insisting that it’s the least he could do. they fall into step, making their way outside and into the parking lot where spencer’s beetle is sitting. “and he was just such a dick! saying he never meant to hurt me, as if.” orion is moving his hands as he rants, a habit he has picked up from spencer after the four months they have spent together. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>spencer is listening intently, imagining the palm trees that orion is describing to him. he imagines the buildings, the smell of the ocean drifting into the beach house that orion grew up in. he is listening intently, enjoying the sound of orion’s voice as it feeds him pleasant memories of california. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“anyway! enough about california. anything interesting happen lately?” spencer shakes his head, opening the door for orion when they get to his car. “really? no paperwork? nada?” orion says when they get into the car, seatbelts buckled and windows rolled down. spencer enjoys feeling the wind on his face. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“nothing. well, i got derek back for planting that clown doll in my bed. i still don’t know he even got into my apartment..” orion is biting on his lower lip like he’s trying to suppress a laugh, and spencer immediately knows that it was orion who let derek in. he had given orion a key, in case spencer didn’t get up to answer the door after a terrible case. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>the fact that orion would help derek surprises spencer, but the two have been thick as thieves after finding out that they both loved the same bars, and the both of them had police officers for dads. “no way. you let him in? wow, betrayed by </span>
  <em>
    <span>my</span>
  </em>
  <span> friend.” orion lets out the laugh he was biting back, moving his hand to cover his mouth like he always did whenever he started laughing a bit too loud. spencer had seen passerby’s give orion odd looks when he forgot to, and orion would always look embarrassed when he noticed that he had been too loud. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“what can i say? he was </span>
  <em>
    <span>very</span>
  </em>
  <span> convincing! promised me pictures of you from 2005.” spencer’s cheeks are heating at the knowledge that orion has seen what he thinks of as baby pictures. “and you said yes? even when i have </span>
  <em>
    <span>actual</span>
  </em>
  <span> baby pictures?” orion’s grin is getting wider now, he is looking out the window to fake ignorance but spencer sees right through it. “well, i might have to join your side now.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>they laugh and it is a beautiful harmony. it’s full of joy. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>spencer gets to orion’s apartment far too quickly, in his opinion. they have settled orion’s suitcase into his closet in minutes, and the apartment is so quiet that spencer can hear a sitcom coming from the apartment next to orion’s. </span>
  <em>
    <span>friends</span>
  </em>
  <span>, he thinks. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>the thought is interrupted when his phone rings, it’s the ringtone he has set for work. he inwardly groans but answers anyway. orion has heard it, has peaked his head out from his bedroom with a frown on his face. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“reid? hey, we’ve got a case. </span>
  <b>florida</b>
  <span>.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>it’s all spencer needs to hear to know that it’ll be a doozy, will probably require more time away than usual. “i’ll be there soon morgan.” they say goodbye to each other, and then spencer’s attention is on orion, who has now walked into the living room with his arms crossed tightly across his chest. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“case?” spencer nods and orion’s frown is even more prominent, “sucks. well, i need to let you go save lives now. come back in one piece?” orion smiles at him, it’s full of concern, adoration, and something that spencer can’t quite place.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>spencer nods, walking with orion to the apartment door. “i’ll make sure of it. be safe. don’t forget to put away your clothes.” orion rolls his eyes, “</span>
  <em>
    <span>yes mom</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” spencer laughs, opening the door and lingering for a moment. they catch each other’s eyes, orion’s are telling him it’s okay and spencer’s are telling him he’ll come back to him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>they mumble soft goodbyes to each other and then spencer is in his car, go-bag seated on the passenger’s side, driving to the airstrip. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>-</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>the case goes by quickly. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>it feels like an eternity to spencer. his mind is a </span>
  <b>
    <em>mess</em>
  </b>
  <span> right now. he doesn’t want orion to see him like this. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>it doesn’t matter what spencer wants or not, because they have an agreement to greet each other at the airport whenever orion comes back from california, or go over to spencer’s apartment when he comes back from a case. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>the team has </span>
  <em>
    <span>insisted</span>
  </em>
  <span> on going out for drinks tonight though, celebrating the safe retrieval of a man and his baby. the man was married. his wife did not make it and spencer cannot stop his mind from making the comparison. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>just like maeve, huh? and you don’t even have a family to hold onto. she was your </span>
  </em>
  <b>
    <em>only</em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span> family. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>shut up. </b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>his head aches the entire time on the flight back, he throws up once from the pain and jj rubs his back soothingly after she gets too worried to let him deal with it alone. it was a bit startling, seeing your best friend rush into a tiny airplane bathroom with concern on her face. then again, it must’ve been startling for her, seeing her best friend vomiting with no control. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>he invites orion to keep him company. when he tells the team, there are cheers all around. “we were thinking we’d never see him again, kid.” morgan says, a grin on his face as they walk across the street to the bar with dim lights and loiterers. spencer gives him a weak smile. they seem to accept it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>he spends about five minutes by himself, staring off into space, the rest of the team oblivious as they discuss how many numbers morgan can collect in just ten minutes. the going rate is 7, but derek insists he can get at least 15. blake rolls her eyes at that, shaking her head like a mother hearing her child say that they know everything. it makes spencer happy on the inside, somewhere deep inside. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>there’s another part of him that is replaying the video feed of the married couple, reliving how it felt to </span>
  <em>
    <span>realize</span>
  </em>
  <span> that their story and his and maeve’s was so similar. </span>
  <em>
    <span>hostage situation. female unsub</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>he can hear the man beg for the unsub to spare his wife’s life, they have a baby waiting for them at home, they want to go back home to him. to a little boy named matthew. </span>
</p>
<p><span>“</span><em><span>please! our son, matthew.. he’s all alone.. please! just let her live! a boy needs his mother.. no.. please!</span></em> <b><em>please</em></b><span>!” </span></p>
<p>
  <span>he can hear the gunshot, can hear how jj winces and looks away from the screen. penelope is crying softly, he can hear from the end of the phone call. hotch has turned away. it reminds him too. spencer isn’t sure whether to be comforted by the fact that someone has gone through something similar, that he’s not alone. maybe it’d be better if he was alone.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>no</b>
  <span>. he’s come so far, </span>
  <em>
    <span>so far</span>
  </em>
  <span> from wanting to be alone in the world. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>he can hear orion’s voice calling him. he turns around, the leather seat of the booth they’re sitting in making an awful sound as his body moves. “hey! you okay?” spencer scoots over to give orion the room to slide in, shooting orion a smile and giving him a nod. “yep.” it hurts to lie, but he can’t tell him anything right now. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>orion fits in so well with spencer’s team that he is becoming family, even after only seeing each other twice. they ask him about his work, spencer having explained to them that orion was pursuing a PHD in astrophysics. orion tells them it’s hard, but having spencer around is making it a lot easier. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>after that conversation, spencer tunes everything out. his mind is still running, still playing that video over and over again, and he wants it all to stop. he wants to push pause, get out of this pit in his mind, climb over the top to see orion waiting for him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>he doesn’t hear the quiet conversation that orion has with penelope when they go to the bar to get more drinks. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>orion is worried. spencer has hardly said a word all night, except for the occasional statistic about how many drinks a person should get while out drinking on a weekday. he has been staring at the ceiling lights, as if they will start speaking to him and give him answers to the world’s problems. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>he voices his worries to penelope, who agrees that spencer hasn’t been himself. “he hasn’t been himself since they got back, apparently. jj was worried too. take him home, will you? i think he needs to talk. this one was a real icky one.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>orion nods, thanking garcia before he goes back to get spencer. spencer is the same when he does. he has hardly moved or smiled or done anything at all. it’s becoming more and more concerning with each passing second. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“spencer? hey, we should go home.” spencer doesn’t hear him. doesn’t even look up at the mention of orion calling spencer’s apartment his home. “spencer? spence?” he still hasn’t looked up. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>on a loop in his mind, is the image of a woman with a gunshot wound through her head. her husband’s cries are in full force, he is screaming at the top of his lungs for someone to help them. spencer knows how it feels. too well. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“</span>
  <b>
    <em>spencer</em>
  </b>
  <span>?” he finally looks up to see orion’s blue eyes clouded with worry. “can we go home?” he snaps out of whatever trance he has been put in, nodding and getting up from the booth. they say goodbye to everyone before leaving, jj reminds him to turn in his paperwork with a playful smile that makes spencer’s heart warm. he needed that. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>he laughs and nods. they smile. it’s the first time he’s smiled since they got back. a </span>
  <em>
    <span>genuine</span>
  </em>
  <span> smile, that is. years of working with each other will let you know when one of them is faking it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>the walk to the bus stop is quiet, but it’s not a terrible quiet. it’s not awkward, or too intrusive. it’s what spencer needs. he needs to hear the cicadas annoying sound, the crickets in the grass, the flicker of the street lamp that is illuminating their skin. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“will we talk about it?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>orion’s voice cuts through spencer’s thoughts. he takes a minute. can he really talk about this right now? he doesn’t want to slip away again. he doesn’t want to get angry at orion. he nods anyway. if he doesn’t talk about it, he might be worse off. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>orion nods too, motioning for spencer to get into the bus when it arrives. they catch a seat in the very back, the a/c hitting their faces and cooling them down from the summer air of D.C. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“sleepy?” spencer shrugs, but as soon as orion asks, he lets out a yawn. orion chuckles quietly and pats his shoulder. spencer is confused for a while before orion brings up his hand and moves spencer’s head to rest on orion’s shoulder. his skin is warm and soft against spencer’s cheek. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“try to sleep. it’ll be 30 minutes, at the very least.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>spencer nods slightly, then his eyes are closing. sleep comes easily, and orion is stroking his hair. if it was anyone else, he would push their hand away. </span>
  <em>
    <span>this is orion though, and he would let him do just about anything.</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>-</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>when spencer comes to, they are at the bus stop that is a little ways down the road from spencer’s apartment. orion is looking down at him with that playful glint in his blue eyes. “hey sleepy head. let’s get you home.” they stand up, thanking the bus driver before making their way out and onto the sidewalk. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>the walk is silent again. spencer is too tired to make any conversation now, his mind a flurry of thoughts that include wanting to go back to sleep and wanting to save the man’s wife and maeve. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>he hardly notices when they make it to his apartment, the only thing snapping him out of his dream state is the sound of the metal stairs under his converse clad feet. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>orion uses his key to enter spencer’s apartment, and spencer goes straight to the couch. he sits down, ignoring how weird the leather feels after not cleaning it for the past week. he stares straight at the wall. he’s still reliving it. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“spencer?” he cannot hear orion calling him. orion’s face is scrunched up with worry, his footsteps are getting closer and closer, and he is settling into the seat next to spencer. “spencer, is it the case?” he nods blindly when he registers orion’s voice in his right ear. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>orion sighs, bringing a hand up to run down his face. “do you want to talk about it now?” spencer’s kind is still foggy but he nods anyway, turning his body to face orion. “it’s… it was a couple. a hostage situation.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>he speaks, his voice is so soft that it reminds spencer of when he first started at the BAU. he was so shy, desperate to make a wonderful impression. “the wife.. she didn’t make it.” orion nods, a sadness on his face that spencer wishes wasn’t there. he can’t stand to see orion sad. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“they.. they had a baby, you know? a </span>
  <em>
    <span>beautiful</span>
  </em>
  <span> boy. he’s left with a reminder of what could’ve been. he’ll have to see his dead wife’s face in their son. </span>
  <em>
    <span>god, why does </span>
  </em>
  <b>
    <em>this</em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span> happen to people</span>
  </em>
  <span>?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>he is wiping away at tears that are threatening to spill out from his eyes, orion’s eyes are already full of them. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>why does the universe take away the people we love</span>
  </em>
  <span>?” orion’s voice is a little shaky, but spencer can pick out the words. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>because we loved them too much</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>they fall into each other’s arms, spencer is sobbing now and he can’t do much to stop it. he doesn’t really want to anyway. in the morning, he will have to wipe away tear stains off the couch. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>orion is pulling him away, holding onto him by the elbows. “that doesn’t mean we don’t have to love at all. you know that, right? you deserve to feel that love.” spencer nods, using the sleeve of his red sweater to wipe away at stray tears. “i just.. i don’t think i do sometimes. like.. all i could think about when i heard that gunshot was how their situation was so similar to mine and that.. i should’ve been the one to get shot.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>orion is looking at him with a stern face, lips pressed into a thin line. “you weren’t the one to get shot for a reason. you deserve much more. okay?” spencer nods for a second time, orion raises his eyebrows. “okay. i know that.” orion loses the stern expression, a sad one appearing as he brings up a hand to run through spencer’s hair.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“orion?” the hand pauses at a stray curl, twirling it around as orion hums in response. “you’ve shown me that love. but i don’t… i don’t know if i really deserve it because.. i’m so damaged, and broken in ways that.. that are just cruel.” orion’s hand drops to his lap, he is looking at spencer with.. disappointment? </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“you’ve earned it, spencer. there is no else in the world i would rather make happy than you.” spencer smiles fondly at orion’s words, it makes a smile break onto orion’s face too. his voice is so quiet the next time he speaks. he is about to admit to himself and orion what’s been right in front of them the entire time, he’s not sure how orion will feel. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“orion. i like you. i really like you. but, i don’t want to scare you. i don’t want you to be scared that i’ll be like this the entire time..” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>he takes a breath before continuing, it’s hard to because of the violent storm in his stomach and the tightness in his chest that is taking all the breath away from him. “orion, i’m not perfect. my mind is messed up, it is full of awful memories and unresolved trauma. it’s </span>
  <b>bad</b>
  <span>. and i’m not perfect like i want to be for you. because you have been nothing but nice to me. nothing short of perfect.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>orion’s smile hasn’t faltered, spencer thinks he’s about to tell him they’re not even friends, </span>
  <em>
    <span>how could he even think that?</span>
  </em>
  <span> he doesn’t tell him that, he says, “i’m not looking for perfect, spencer. no one is perfect. not even me. i have an abusive ex and a dead mother. everyone has unresolved trauma. it gives people an insight into how short life is. people take less things for granted.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>spencer can’t help but agree. “that it does.” he has learned how much people can take for granted, first hand. he used to think maeve was the one constant in his life, that she would always be there. until, she wasn’t. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>it’s silent for a while, until spencer speaks up, his eyes diverted to the wood panels under his feet. the floor is wonderfully solid. it’s grounding him here. “if i lose myself, will you please remind me i’m not alone? that i can love again without that fear of losing the one i love?” orion’s hand is lifting his chin, forcing spencer to look at orion, who has a sad smile on his face still. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“i’m here for you, spencer. i will do whatever it takes to make you feel safe. to make you feel happy.” his words make him feel safe already. like he has been blanketed, shielded from all the wrong in this world. spencer should be doing that for orion, but he already makes a living off doing that for other people. a protector sometimes needs to be the protected. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>orion is pulling spencer into him, spencer’s back resting against orion’s chest, feeling the thump of orion’s heart through the white t-shirt he has on. it’s grounding. it’s nice. “can i tell you something?” spencer doesn’t hesitate to nod. “you know how vincent came by? before i shut the door in his stupid face,” spencer chuckles softly, and he can see orion smiling from how his head is angled on orion’s chest. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“well, i told him that i had found someone who made me happy. who i enjoyed being around. someone who made me forget about everything. who listened to me talk about the stars.” spencer has heard about how quickly orion’s rants about space would be shut down, vincent would just ask if they get back to whatever they were doing. “you’ve been so good for me. i don’t say it, but i believe it. just tell me that your feelings aren’t being influenced by some ulterior motive to mess me up even more.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>spencer shakes his head as well as he can, his hair getting even more messed up and fluffing against orion’s shirt. “i mean it, orion. with my entire being. i could listen to you talk about greek heroes, the planets, and physics all day long.” orion nods, his hand running through spencer’s brown hair so soothingly that it is luring spencer to sleep. “thank you, spencer. for everything.” spencer echoes his words with a soft smile on his lips. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“thank you for being you.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>they have smile on their faces, they stay there for so long that spencer is sure that he will have a smile on his face permanently. they stand up together, like they’re thinking the same thing. “so much for getting shitfaced, right?” spencer laughs a beautiful laugh, orion joins in with his own after seeing how messed up spencer’s hair is. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>they take a few tentative steps until they are completely pushed up against one another. spencer pulls orion in by his waist like the sun pulls the planets in. he prays that their conditions are right, and that orion will not fling him out of his orbit, causing spencer to explode in a flurry of violent energy, only to be sucked in by the massive black hole that will replace him and never let him see the light of day. their lips collide and it is everything spencer has been looking for. it is full of love, hope, and understanding. he is seeing the light. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>when they pull apart, they both have grins on their faces and orion tugs him into the bedroom. they collapse on spencer’s bed, and orion has pulled spencer into his arms already. it is warm in his arms. he is safe in his arms. orion has taken him away from the rock spencer was chained to, much like andromeda and he can’t help but laugh at how their story is playing out. he is laughing at the similarities.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span> orion has become his perseus, his savior from the rock full of agony and grief. he is taking spencer away from all that pain, replacing it with a longing to spend his days with orion. together in the planetarium or wherever the day takes them.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>they kiss more. they kiss until they are both yawning with sleep and stand up only to take off their clothes, falling back into bed afterward. orion has not pushed him into doing anything that spencer is not yet comfortable with, and it makes him adore orion even more. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>he falls back into orion’s arms, orion placing a kiss on top of his head before he is lulled to sleep.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>it hasn’t been easy, but spencer is finally finding out how to be happy in the arms of another, and how to be happy by himself. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>-</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>he is in his apartment and she is sitting on his couch. he is tempted to groan, to whine about how he is finally letting go of her and </span>
  <em>
    <span>why she can’t just leave him alone?</span>
  </em>
  <span> he has come so far, and now he’s dreaming about her again. </span>
  <em>
    <span>maybe he hasn’t come as far as he thought. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“why are you here?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>she turns around to face him. she is smiling up at him, brown hair framing her face. she still looks beautiful. “don’t worry.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>he can’t help but worry. when he wakes up, is he going to revert to how he was when she first died? is this a sign that he will get better before he gets worse? is he going to fall off the deep end, dragging orion with him? </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>she laughs like she knows exactly what he’s thinking, “spencer, you will not get worse.” he has to remind himself that she is just a projection of his guilt. “i know that. that’s why you need me from time to time.” god, will she just get out of his head? </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“i can’t do that yet. this is your final step.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>spencer is about to ask what she means by that when she gets up fully from the couch. she makes her way over to him, smile on her face like nothing is wrong. like she’s not dead. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>she takes his hands in hers, looks at him with an expression that says, “i’m proud of you.” she voices it a few moments later. it makes spencer feel good when he hears it come directly from her. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>his mind goes back to his first question. why is she here? </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“i can’t let you go, can i? that’s what you’re going to tell me now. that i’ll be stuck with you forever?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>she shakes her head, huffing out a noise of disbelief from her nose. it makes spencer laugh softly when he hears it. “spencer, you already have.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>he’s confused. if he already has, why is she here again? why is she making her way into his dreams again? “i.. i have?” she puts her hands on her hips, letting his drop to his sides. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“yes. it started when you met him and didn’t talk about me at all. did you notice that?” he replays the conversation in his head and is surprised to find out that she is right. he hadn’t mentioned her once. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>she notes the look of realization on his face, and chuckles. spencer reid was sometimes the most oblivious to the things right in front of him. when she speaks, it is with exasperation in her voice. “spencer. you’re not floating anymore. your roots have been planted spencer, and you are growing into such a wonderful thing. orion is helping you grow.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>he nods, a smile coming to their faces as they both realize that their time is up. their time is up but they have made the most of it, they have enjoyed each other’s company for the time they had, and it is enough. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“he’s perfect. you would love him.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>she nods, her eyes are welling up with tears but somehow spencer knows that they are tears of joy for him. “i know. go be happy, spencer.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>go be happy</span>
  </em>
  <span>.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>it is astronomy in reverse. spencer has been found floating in space, about to be pushed into a void when orion pulled him to earth. he has been discovered lying amongst the stars and pulled to earth, where he can plant his feet and feel the dirt move under him. it is a good feeling in spencer’s chest. he is finally whole again.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>stay safe and healthy guys gals and non-binary pals</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. california</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>true happiness.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>for a vibe, listen to venus by sleeping at last because it’s really the basis for this last chapter</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>he wakes with a warm feeling in his chest. the sun is beaming down on their bodies, the window’s blinds doing little to prevent the light from flooding the room. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>four months ago, if they weren’t already drawn, spencer would shut them. he would turn back into his pillow, and go to sleep, praying he would not dream of maeve for the second time. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>four months later, spencer doesn’t shut them. he lets the sun’s rays warm his skin, basking in the feeling it gives him. orion shifts under him, his arm is curling spencer further into his chest like spencer falling asleep on his chest is a habit. spencer wants it to become a habit.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>the rest of the day is spent with that warm feeling in spencer’s chest. it has ignited a flame inside of him, one that he hopes is not put out when orion decides that spencer is too much for him. he is reassured that orion will never leave him when he voices his concerns to orion. he looks at spencer, who is sitting on the edge of the bed with his arms wrapped around his chest. orion takes spencer’s hands in his, they are warm and spencer swears it is the californian in orion that is heating him up. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>i’m here for you, spencer. for as long as you want me to be.</span>
  </em>
  <span>” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>spencer cries, but they are tears of joy. he has finally found a reason to be happy for both himself and for someone else. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>he makes a show of buying more poetry books about love, leaving orion little quotes in his car after their dates. going on dates with orion scared spencer at first, worry filling his mind. worry that things will change. luckily, it wasn’t that much different from their usual outings. the only difference was that they now kissed each other goodbye instead of hugging for a few seconds too long. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>orion makes sure that spencer doesn’t worry too much. reminds him that he wants to be with him, through the bad and the good. “what kind of boyfriend would i be if i didn’t stick with you throughout all this?” the words make spencer’s heart flutter, they make a childish smile appear on his face. months ago, he was lying on his bed with an urge to take one too many pills. now, he is lying in bed with orion, tracing shapes on his boyfriend’s chest. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>when he first told garcia, she freaked. she was all smiles and questions about when they would get to see him again. spencer chuckled and told her they would see him after they came back from california. even over the phone, her excitement was obvious. within a few days, the entire team knew. hotch had known first, only because spencer had requested a few days off to go to california with the man he was dating. he had said nothing about his sexuality, and was worried what his teammates would think.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>hotch had been quick to reassure him they were a family when spencer asked him not to say anything because he feared the worst. “spencer, we all love you. we’ll be there for you, no matter what. tell orion i said hi and safe travels.” spencer had walked out of the BAU with a wide grin on his face, feeling ten times lighter. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>the trip to california is a last-minute idea, prompted by orion telling spencer all about how the waves were amazing and that orion would teach spencer how to surf one day. spencer had replied with a, “let’s go next week.” orion was surprised and asked spencer why he wanted to go so early, to which spencer said, “i want to make the most of this before we settle down.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>spencer has never been the greatest with words. he didn’t know how to pick up on certain things, would sometimes say too much. when orion didn’t say anything for a while, spencer worried that he had done it again. had spoken too soon, had said something wrong. instead, orion told him it sounded perfect, and he couldn’t wait to show spencer all the sights. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>the day came. they make it to san diego where spencer meets orion’s father, who is quick to talk to spencer all about how he should treat orion. orion groans when he hears his father speaking, a hand on spencer’s shoulder and a finger in spencer’s face, “treat my son right. that vincent </span>
  <b>boy</b>
  <span> only did terrible things to my son. i want you to take care of him, are we clear son?” spencer nods with a wide grin, “crystal, sir.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>orion’s father, sammy, spencer learns, gives him a smile and pulls him in for a hug. they get along well, talking about orion’s mother, their jobs in law enforcement, and how spencer had spent a couple of years in california and always wanted to come back. sammy tells them they are always welcome to stay for longer than a week. the beach house would always be there for them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>they spend their days and nights on the beach, spencer finally understanding how frustrating and outright confusing it was to find sand in your clothes even after you had taken a shower. it was a california thing that spencer never got to truly experience when he was at caltech. he spent a majority of his time studying, passing up on bonfire parties down by the water. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>orion has insisted on spending as much time down by the beach to make up for it. he teaches spencer how to surf, a proud look on his face when spencer catches a wave after only two hours of failed attempts and bad wipeouts. every passing minute with orion reminds spencer that he is happy with him, and that he shouldn’t waste it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>nights on the beach are different. instead of climbing on a surfboard, they lay down on the sand, a towel resting beneath their bodies. they stare at the stars, pointing out the different constellations they can see that night. orion tells him the story about it and spencer files it under </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘memories with orion</span>
  </em>
  <span>’ in his mind. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>the constellations have a different meaning now. spencer tries to find the words to explain it to orion. orion listens to his rambling about it, props himself up on his elbow and faces him, a warm smile on his face that lights up the entire night sky. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>every night, orion says, “</span>
  <em>
    <span>i know. i can feel it too. they have a different meaning to us now. we can figure out that meaning together</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” spencer nods and plants a kiss on orion’s cheek, “</span>
  <em>
    <span>thank you</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>their trip only lasts a week. spencer wishes he could have more time but sammy’s reassuring smile when he drops them off at the airport tells him all he needs to know. the beach house is waiting for them, it won’t move. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>when they get back, their lives resume. spencer goes back to work, feeding penelope minor details about california, about how the sand felt under his toes, how he grew less and less concerned with getting a sunburn and focused on the feeling of the waves washing over his tanned skin. he kept the feeling of orion and their first time for him. it was special. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>orion is also being consumed with the work his astrophysics degree comes with, often coming by spencer’s apartment for help. spencer always look forward to their study dates. more often than not, they would stop being study dates and turn into cuddle sessions on the couch as they watched a documentary on ancient greece. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>coming back home reminded spencer about his mother. he received calls in california about how his mother had been improving, had more lucid days in the past week than the entire month before. it took him a while to bring up his mom to orion, fear gripping his heart, a fear that orion would decide it was too much to deal with. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>spencer knows that he doesn’t have to worry about that anymore, but he’s still careful. one thing and he could lose orion. he doesn’t want to, not when he has so many beautiful memories with him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>orion, like always, understands. he tells spencer that he will wait until spencer is ready to bring him to visit his mom. when he does, it is everything spencer has ever imagined. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>his mom is lucid. she is smiling up at the both of them, greeting orion with a handshake and motions them to sit in front of her. she takes orion’s hands in his, much like sammy did with spencer. she looks him in his blue eyes as she speaks, “promise you’ll be good to him? spencer deserves someone as good as you. he writes about how kind you are. stick around, okay? he adores you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>orion smiles at her and nods, “i promise diana. your son deserves the world and i’ll spend </span>
  <em>
    <span>every day</span>
  </em>
  <span> trying to give it to him. he has done so much good for me too. has shown me how a relationship should be. thank you for raising him to be such an amazing person.” he looks over to spencer with an emotion that is overflowing in spencer’s heart. it is love, and even though they haven’t said those three words, they both can see it in each other’s eyes and they know. </span>
</p><p>
  <b>
    <em>they just know.</em>
  </b>
  
</p><p>
  <span>it’s a beautiful feeling. to be found, when you were at your worst, to be discovered and brought back to earth to plant yourself in a garden of love and happiness. the feeling brings a haze to spencer’s mind. everything is like a dream. he never thought he could move on, never thought he could find someone like maeve again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>but then he saw orion. orion with his lightning blue eyes, tanned skin that has freckles that resemble the stars above, and black hair that spencer runs his fingers through when they are enjoying each other’s presence and cuddling on the couch. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>orion has showed him so much love and spencer can only hope that orion is being shown the same amount by spencer. he owes it to him, in a way. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>the team sees more and more of orion. they don’t overdo it with public displays of affection, but they will sneak in a kiss on the cheek, or will come into the office holding hands after orion takes spencer out for lunch. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>today, they are doing just that. orion’s hand is clasped in spencer and they both have soft smiles full of love on their faces. penelope catches them, a grin on her face as she pulls the both of them into a hug. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“hi! oh! we were planning on going out for drinks today, wanna come with?” orion’s smile turns into a pout, “oh, i have to stay in tonight. i need to finish my final paper. i’m supposed to be done by friday so i can finally finish up my degree.” penelope squeals with excitement, her smile so infectious that spencer can’t help but smile back, “we should host a celebration for you!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>orion’s eyes widen like it surprise him penelope would offer something like that for him, “</span>
  <em>
    <span>no</span>
  </em>
  <span>, i can’t ask that of you! we were planning on just going to eat and staying in anyway.” penelope shakes her head and it is obvious she is about to tell rossi to give up his mansion for the night, “i insist! it’ll be fun! drinks! food! lots of dancing!” she is getting farther away, ignoring orion’s sounds of protests as she walks backwards towards her office. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>spencer can’t help but laugh at the look on orion’s face when orion realizes that he will have to accept the last minute party and start calling his friends. orion looks over at him with a frown; “man, i’m gonna have to make </span>
  <em>
    <span>so</span>
  </em>
  <span> many calls.” a laugh breaks out from the both of them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>jj walks out of the bullpen, smile on her face as she approaches them. “hey! how have you been, orion?” they make small talk until orion tells spencer he’ll have to leave soon. classes are about to resume, and spencer is kinda regretting telling orion to choose the class right after lunch. “i’ll see you soon.” spencer nods, his voice soft as he says goodbye to orion, cheeks slightly hot from the kiss orion planted on him before he walked towards the elevator. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“so, i wanted to ask you.. </span>
  <em>
    <span>are you happy</span>
  </em>
  <span>?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>spencer turns to jj with a confused look. it’s mostly because he can’t place </span>
  <em>
    <span>why</span>
  </em>
  <span> she would she would ask him right now. then, he remembers it is coming close to five months since she passed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>he takes his time to answer her. he wants to pick out the words to describe his feelings. wants her to know how in love he is, even if he hasn’t said it yet. he will, soon. he just wants it to be.. to be everything orion has wanted. he doesn’t want him to feel like it means nothing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“i am. i really am. he makes me feel.. like i’m no longer alone. like i’ve found someone to help me focus, to help me really feel alive. he’s amazing. i think.. i love him. </span>
  <em>
    <span>i love him</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>jj’s eyes are cloudy with tears, spencer can tell she is happy for him. she tells him just that, bringing him in for a hug and rubbing his back like she always does. “i’m </span>
  <em>
    <span>so</span>
  </em>
  <span> happy for you, spencer. you deserved this. should i expect to be an aunt soon?” spencer laughs softly, shaking his head. he wants kids, that’s for sure. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“right now, we’re more focused on us. on enjoying our time together. but, later… later, there will be a little boy or girl or maybe two calling you aunt jj.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>she wipes the tears off, nods with a gentle smile on her face, “i.. </span>
  <em>
    <span>god</span>
  </em>
  <span>, i’m thrilled for you guys. alright. let’s get back to work.” they walk back into the bullpen together, and spencer feels even lighter. this is his life now. he can enjoy the little things and it makes him so grateful for orion. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>he tells orion this at the celebration party on friday. it’s a beautiful night, the stars are bright and beautiful and orion and him are lying down under them. the patch of grass will surely stain their clothes but they are far too distracted by the light the sky is emitting to care. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>earlier that night, spencer meets every single one of orion’s friends. meg is the one to give the shovel talk to him, planting her hand on spencer’s shoulder and looking him dead in the eyes with a flare in her green eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“don’t mess him up, got it? he deserves to be happy after that shitshow with dickhead vincent. you seem good for him. </span>
  <b>don’t</b>
  <span> make me regret my words.” orion watches their interaction with a playful smile on his face, his hand warm in spencer’s. he squeezes it when spencer gets nervous around a friend or two, stumbling over words when he finds it hard to explain what he does at the FBI. he always gets way too into detail. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>afterward, when all the dancing is going on and people are busy sipping glasses of white wine, spencer and orion sneak off. they find the patch of grass that is under them now, orion insists that they spend the rest of the night trying to pick out every constellation. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>they are quiet, it’s so peaceful that spencer might fall asleep on the grass. it’s amazing how at peace he feels now. “thank you.” it’s out of the blue, and it catches orion by surprise when spencer says it. “what for?” orion asks and spencer can only smile at him and say, “for everything. you’re beautiful, orion. you’re good to me. you have helped me realize how beautiful life can be, even after wanting to get out of this life so badly.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>orion’s blue eyes are filling up with tears, spencer swipes his thumb underneath to wipe them off, “i was a million little pieces before you came. </span>
  <em>
    <span>god, i love you.</span>
  </em>
  <span>” orion lets out a brief laugh, smiling at spencer like he has placed all the stars in the night sky just for him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>i love you too. so much</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>they share a kiss under the stars. they rush nothing. they take the time to pick out the constellations above them, spencer is making a map of all of them in his head so he will remember how they look in the sky. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>months ago, he would look up at the sky and imagine floating up to reach maeve, to stay up in the clouds with her wherever she had landed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>when he looks up at the sky tonight, he no longer wants to meet maeve wherever she lingers. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>instead, he plants his feet in the dirt, feeling the ground below him, on this earth where the sky meets him in the form of a man named orion.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>i hope this was good and sorry if it wasn’t as thrilling or long &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>will u guys pls let me know if its good :(</p></blockquote></div></div>
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